Deceit, the Downfall of Loyalty

Very seldom does sports news intersect with social work.   Listening to NPR last week, I heard a sports editorial on the child sexual abuse scandal at Penn State.  The commentator spoke of the loyalty Joe Paterno exhibited to the accused party, Jerry Sandusky.  The idea was stated that loyalty is valued and is often commendable, but loyalty would not be so valued if it did not come at such a high cost.  Loyalty comes with the risk of deceit, the risk of being let down and disappointed, the risk of finding yourself loyal to someone or something that cannot hold up their end of the bargain.

Foster parents experience this disappointment with children all the time.  Often a child will surprise the adults in their life and do incredible, amazing, out of character things.  A child will be vulnerable and share his heart, he might go out of his way to perform chores around the house, he might make a good decision to not use the drugs in his possession.  Foster parents hold a child to a different standard of expectations then the child might have previously known, and the child responds, blossoms.  In care taking, teaching, disciplining, and loving this child, in short, parenting this child, the foster parents begin to believe in the child.  The foster parents become fiercely dedicated to the idea that the child is doing well under their care.  The foster parents become committed to this child's future, fiercely loyal to the child and his ability to overcome all obstacles.  This is the way it should be.

But loyalty comes with a risk, the risk of deceit.  The risk that this child will not live up to all those standards and expectations.  The risk that the child will make decisions that hurt you, the foster parent.  The child might run away in the middle of the night, the child might steal from you, the child might accuse you or a family member of doing something you didn't do, the child might reject your offer of adoption, the child might go on with their life and never call you again.  This is the risk you take as a foster parent.  You take the risk of putting your life, your family, your word on the line, committing everything you have to the success of the child, only to find that the child might leave those aspects of you in disrepair.  We take the same risk with our own birth children.

This deceit, however, is what makes loyalty so valued.  If a child has one loyal person in his life, he can count on that person to love him unconditionally.  He can count on that one person to see the best in him, even when he can't see the best in himself.  He can count on that one person as seeing him as valuable,worth the risk.  Everyone needs someone in their life to be loyal to them and loyal to their best interest. Children need a loyal champion, someone who will not stop believing in them, someone who will not stop dreaming for them, someone who will not stop fighting for them.  Even when they are gone.  Deceit is a tenet of loyalty.  Loyalty, just like love, is a choice that we make.

Loyalty is not a choice to always believe someone, or to always defend someone.  Loyalty is the choice to stand by what is good for that person, whether it be to experience the consequences of his actions or to support him in reunifying with his birth family.  Loyalty gives a child a chance to believe in himself because someone believes in him and is willing to risk everything.