The Stress of Childhood

                                     “I’m so busy.”   “I don’t have time.”  “I’m so stressed out.”

Unless you make intentional efforts to guard your time, these mantras seem to be the bane of our modern life existence.  We allow stress to follow us wherever we go and, by so doing, allow it to impact our health, our relationships, and our peace of mind. 

Mayo Clinic’s Effects of Stress on Health

Physical Effects	Emotional Effects	Behavioral Effects
Headaches Muscle tension Stomach aches Insomnia High blood pressure Diabetes Obesity	Decreased Productivity Decreased motivation Depression Anxiety Irritability	Over or under eating Anger outbursts Substance Abuse Social Isolation

Without a doubt stress impacts our lives, but do you realize how much stress impacts the lives of our children?   Children are in a crucible of developmental tension.  What seems trivial or like simple play is really a method of learning about the world around them and establishing their own sense of self.  At each developmental stage (Erickson, E.H., Childhood and Society, 1985), the child ultimately chooses between two world views and establishes how they will relate to adjusts to people and society. This is the normal work of a child and can be stressful in and of itself without the added stress imposed on them by adults:

What is normal stress for a child?

• Seeing parents leave and come back (trust vs. mistrust)
• Learning to share and not always getting what they want (initiative vs. guilt)
• Trying something new until they succeed (autonomy vs. shame and doubt)
•  Interacting with new environments (industry vs. inferiority)
• Evaluating belief systems (identity vs. identity diffusion)
• Forming friendships, experiencing loss, comparing and competing with peers
• Standing up for themselves, people they love, and values they believe in

  These issues are tough and ones adults continue to perfect their grasp on throughout a lifetime. Children are accomplishing this huge stressful task of developing their own sense of self and view of the world.  In addition, they must manage the intense stress of divorce, poverty, nutritional depletion, domestic violence, substance abuse, abuse and neglect, internet predators, school shootings, racism, and more.  Children are onslaught with adult issues without the maturity necessary to process or cope in a healthy way.

All this to say, children are doing critical and difficult emotional work on a daily basis.  They need adults to help them manage this stress instead of adding to it.  As adults, it is our job to:

1. Care for yourself (alone time, date nights, time with friends,  doing something you enjoy, explore your spirituality) 
2. Take responsibility for the adult issues in your life (Don’t blame others, Don’t rely on your child as a confidante)
3. Teach and demonstrate healthy coping mechanisms (positive ways of dealing with negative emotions)
4.  Explain why things happen (link cause and effect and avoid your child seeing themselves as the cause)
5.  Listen to your child without judgment or comment (don’t interrupt!)
6. Establish routines that your child can depend on (meals, bed times, etc)
7. Limit extracurricular  activities
8. Prepare healthy meals and snacks
9. Plan family activities
10. Exercise

 “Appreciating each other is a true family value, one that will bail out much of the stress on the planet and help strengthen the universal bond all people have.” – Sara Paddison

The GIFT

Two weekends ago, I attended a Marriage Encounter with my husband.  The presenters, Dr. Tom and Beverly Rodgers, have been married for 34 years and co-directors of a private Christian counseling practice for 30 years (http://soulhealinglove.com/).  At the event, the Rodgers taught what they describe as a "God inspired" technique for working through anger.

Anger  is a secondary emotion, the tip of the iceberg, the emotional method used to express another, primary emotion.  Ultimately, the root of this primary emotion is what needs to be addressed.  Once the root of this primary emotion is addressed then an individual can begin to alter their responses to emotional triggers.  

Most children, especially in foster care, are hurt at some point in their childhood.  This hurt often expresses itself in anger, both rational and irrational.  Children in foster care often struggle with outrageous anger and outbursts, usually evidenced in children much younger.  One 16 year old recently told me "I act like a two year old" when she gets mad.  Most recently, when the foster parent offered another egg with breakfast, the 16 year old threw the egg back at the foster parent, raised her voice, and ultimately ended  up kicking and screaming on the floor.  Afterward the child looks back and sees the ridiculousness of the moment, but in recalling the foster parent offering her the extra egg, she still gets angry.

I was able to teach this 16 year old the Rodgers' technique and use of the acronym GIFT, telling the youth that when she becomes angry to grab her thumb.  Grabbing her thumb is a "grounding technique" that allows her to be a little more rational in the heat of the moment.  Holding her thumb helps her to be more oriented to person, place, and time.  She becomes more aware of herself and her thumb is a reminder of what comes next.  At this point, the child has the chance to identify what happened that made her angry, "The Trigger".  Then she needs to try to verbalize what she really feels:

• Guilty?
• Inadequate/unworthy?
• Fearful?
• Trauma/ past hurt that this circumstance reminds you of?

These four feelings are primary emotions.  Acknowledging the real emotion diffuses the anger episode and allows the child to be honest with herself.  Being honest with herself and others allows her to begin to create real relationships.  These are relationships in which honesty, forgiveness, healing, and growth can occur.  Recognize and own the real emotion, then look at the root of when that emotion began.  We all experience hurts, some more traumatic than others.  When those hurts occur, we begin to believe a lie about ourselves.  This 16 year old, through neglect, came to believe "no one cares about me."  This refrain runs through her head, day in and day out.  When someone doesn't hear her say she does not want another egg and offers it to her anyway, she is transformed into that little neglected girl that no one paid attention to or stood up for.  And she responds the exact same way that little girl would, by kicking and screaming and throwing a fit for attention, to prove that somebody cared.

So the next time you get irrationally angry, stop and think. . .What am I really feeling?

A Community Look at Foster Care

This past Saturday, the Waynesville Library, Appalachian Community Services, and Haywood Bound hosted an exciting opportunity to learn more about foster care in our area and the huge need for foster parents.  At last count, Haywood County DSS had custody of 98 children.  60% of those children are placed in local Haywood County homes.  However, 40% of those children are in homes outside of the county, away from family, friends, and community.  Over the last 6 months, in recognition of how important it is for children to stay a part of their community, DSS director Ira Dove has made a distinct effort to recruit foster families through collaboration of DSS and private foster care agencies.  This collaboration has come to be known as Haywood Bound.

As a part of the effort to recruit foster parents, Mr. Dove and several other community leaders came together for a panel event on foster care.  These community leaders included Dr. Steve Wall from Haywood Pediatrics, Tara Keilberg, director of Kids Advocacy Resource Effort (KARE), Scott MacGregor, a Family Life Educator and soon to be graduate of Western with a Masters in Clinical Mental Health with a focus on forgiveness, and Pablo and Maria Averza, therapeutic foster parents since 2006.  The panel was preceded by a dynamically honest dramatic interpretation by local actress Barbara Bates Smith of NC author Kaye Gibbon’s novel Ellen Foster.  Ellen Foster tells the story of a little girl, Ellen, and her journey out of an abusive past and into a foster home that Ellen sees as her sanctuary, “somewhere friendly” and where “nothing new bad has happened to me since I got here.”

The panelists used Barabara’s performance as a backdrop to talk about the issues of foster care in Haywood County.  In 2010, 479 children in Western North Carolina were placed in legal custody of DSS.  8,826 children were in foster care statewide, with only 7, 684 licensed foster homes.   Children have been taken out of their homes for reasons of abuse and neglect and placed in relatives’ homes, therapeutic and family foster homes, group homes, etc.  Dr. Wall shared his experiences of how he has seen foster parents make a huge impact on children’s medical stability and ability to socially interact.  A foster parent needs nothing more than patience and an ability to establish healthy boundaries.  For the things a parent doesn’t know, there is a whole team involved to assist both the child and the foster parents.  Ms. Keilberg shared how KARE provides support for foster parents and birth parents through parenting classes and advocacy work.  Truly, though a family is doing the work with a child day in and day out, foster parents are not alone.  Parents are provided appropriate training, regular supervision, and access to services to help support the child.

Mr. MacGregor explained the researched benefits of forgiveness and helped to define what forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not.  Forgiveness is  not excusing the pain that was done, it is releasing the "right to revenge" and recognizing that every person is deserving of respect because they are created human.  Mr. MacGregor discussed how one can practice forgiveness, exercising by forgiving daily the little things (like someone cutting you off in traffic) so that you become strong enough to forgive the big things (like abuse or neglect).  Forgiveness has been medically demonstrated to improve the healing capacity of the body and mind.  Mr. and Mrs.  Averza echoed this sentiment, recognizing that it can be difficult to team together with struggling families.  However, the long time foster parents recognized the need for a child to have contact with their family and know that their parent is safe.  And, though attaching to a child and seeing that child leave again is difficult, the greater reward is modeling healthy relationships for that child and taking responsibility for and acting on a great need in the community.

The need for foster parents in Haywood County is an obtainable goal with the support of the community.  Haywood County needs 20 new foster parents in order to keep all of the children in their communities.  Look for Ellen Foster and Friends: A Look at Foster Care on your local Haywood County Television Channel.

 

Knight in Shining Pajamas?

My 3 year old has just been initiated into an age old guild of young boys, Knighthood.  He is a brave knight, the protector of his family, invisible sword in hand, conquering dragons and lions and tigers and whatever other threatening animals dwell in the darkness up the stairs at bed time. His fool proof "armor" are his safari pajamas.   Having developed a general trust in the world and the people in it, established confidence in his own independence and will, he as come to the point at which he must develop initiative versus guilt.  He must develop his sense of purpose, his knowing that he is in this world for a reason and that what he does matters. He must move forward in his life knowing that he can try new things and fail, explore the world both imaginary and real,  and that he will be loved and supported while he does so.

A child in this developmental stage of life needs to be affirmed that he is powerful and capable and that his explorations into the world around him are important.  A child also needs to be taught that his power is his to wield in the service of others.  He has the ability to change things as well as the ability to help others.  He has the right to his emotions, but also the responsibility to experience consequences.  This is the foundation of an emotionally intelligent and compassionate soul.

If, however, the struggle for initiative is thwarted, a child may easily experience guilt in his life.  He may feel that he is worthless, doing things wrong, or not doing enough.  A child experiencing this guilt may withdraw for fear of doing something wrong or overcompensate and try to take command of everything.  The foundation of the child continues to be damaged when at every turn he's not allowed to touch things or talk to people in public or he's laughed at for not being able to competently do a task or he's corrected at every turn or he is allowed to do anything he wants without parental intervention or  he is told that his made up story is a "lie" or he is punished for crying or getting angry.

Children come into foster care with many cracks in their developmental foundation.  As each developmental stage builds upon another, guilt builds upon shame and shame builds upon mistrust.  Foster parents have the job of going back to re-examine the foundations, no matter what the child's age, and filling in the cracks.  Therefore a 10 year old might need to be held and rocked like a 1 year old, an 8 year old might need to yell and tell you "no", and a 14 year old might need to play pretend.  They need help filling in those cracks, building back trust and autonomy and initiative.

We all have cracks, that is part of being human.  And there is no shame in being a parent who has not built a strong foundation for their child.  We act out of our own brokenness and we don't know any better than what we have been taught ourselves.  Thankfully we have friends, family, teachers, foster parents and more to help us build where we aren't able, but that never replaces the role of a parent in the heart of a child.

The Childhood Affirmations Program, www.childhoodaffirmations.com, provides the following list of suggestions on concepts of how to encourage your 3-6 year old child.  Try your best to communicate that:

1) We enjoy having you explore who you are and finding out who other people are.
2) You can feel powerful and capable and still ask for help when you want it.
3) You can learn that behavior has consequences.
4) You can imagine things without being afraid they will come true.
5) We gladly give you our support and love.
6) All of your feelings are okay with us.

Build these affirmations in your child, no matter what the age.  Some of us adults still need them!

I Walk the Line

Every child is unique and tests boundaries in different ways.  Some test boundaries subtly, slyly slipping their toe over "the line" when you're not looking; others test boundaries within the letter of the law, standing toe to toe with "the line" but never crossing it; still others test boundaries boldly, stomping over "the line" while you stand there and tell them not to do so.  My younger son, born with a brave conqueror's spirit, can do all three.  His name does not mean "spear of God" for nothing!

At two years old, I have already seen glimpses of him at 16: rolling his eyes, stomping away, and slamming his bedroom door.  I've witnessed his defiance and direct rebellion in the smallest of ways, and I am thankful that in direct alignment to this warrior's spirit is a compassionate heart.  This brute of a two year old is also the cuddliest snuggler, the hugger and kisser, the one who gently rubs his parents awake in the morning.  I also take heart that my two year old is doing exactly what he's supposed to do and he trusts me enough to do it.

Between 18 months and 3 years of age children are finding their autonomy and establishing themselves as separate beings from their parents and siblings.  Now is the time for him to exert his will, his independence, his control.  It is also the time for him to find courage to be in the world, to speak his mind, to challenge what is put before him. He must express himself, but then he must learn self-control.  He must learn that there are consequences for his actions.  He must learn that there are limits to what he can and can't do, what is acceptable exertion of one's self and what is not acceptable.  The child must know that it is okay to say "no", but that saying "no" does not give him the right to hurt himself or others.

This time period is a trial for the parents, both those controlling and those lenient.  If you are too controlling you break the spirit, if you are too lenient you get run over.  Any way, you are exhausted.  Parenting takes time, attention, energy, and dedication.  For foster parents it can be even more difficult because you do not have the affection a parent is given and in most cases you don't see the little child.  You get a hurt and angry teenager on your doorstep, ready to prove they don't need you.  But somewhere in the middle is the balance between respecting the child's discovery of his own autonomy and teaching him healthy limits.

Without balance and respect, the child is confused.  His security in his independence is wavering.  He tests his boundaries in order to learn what is right and wrong, not because he knows what is right and wrong.  If he doesn't get a consistent answer he experiences shame instead of confidence.  He's unsure.  When he acts he doesn't know if he will be rebuked, praised, or ignored.  He becomes embarrassed or defiant.  A child who cannot be confident in his ability to express himself, feels shame when he is corrected, shame when he is singled out, shame when he is confronted.  He feels shame at the core of his identity because the message he receives is that he is not worth being corrected or not worth being paid attention.

As caregivers for children in foster care, our goal is to make children feel capable, lovable, responsible, and worthwhile.  This is our mantra.  Capable, lovable, responsible, and worthwhile.  We must go back.  We must teach the child that he is worth loving, that he is worth protecting, and that he is worth listening to.  We teach a child this by allowing him to express himself in safe ways, having conversations along the way, and drawing the line when someone's health and safety is threatened.  This self expression may show itself in clothes that you don't approve of or change in hair color or the word "no" (or much worse!) or rolling of eyes or not eating at meal times.  Don't be side tracked or thrown off the scent by focusing on the individual behaviors.  Don't get offended by behaviors that don't adhere to your values.  See them for what they are, a search for autonomy and self-worth, a testing of the limits, a journey out of shame.

Big Person in a Little Body

"Life Unexpected" was a TV drama over the last few years that detailed the life and family drama of a 15 year old girl reunified with her parents after a childhood spent in the foster care system.  Amid the drama and crazy relationships of soap opera proportions, there are beautiful nuggets of truth and redemption that keep one coming back to the screen.  Recently, I watched an episode in which Luxe, the main character, has a conversation with a high school English teacher.  Luxe is frustrated and hurt by the juvenile and mean spirited antics of some classmates and bemoaning the fact that she doesn't fit it.  The teacher points out to Luxe that the other kids are just trying to be grown ups, whereas Luxe is a grown up just trying to be a kid.

This is true for most of our kids in foster care.  How many times have we remarked that these little kids are dealing with adult issues?  This makes the job of parenting sticky, complicated.  Often, children in foster care have been there own parent, they've been the ones responsible for feeding their families, for protecting their siblings, for nursing their parents, for deciphering what it means to be loved.  After so much responsibility, it's a struggle to be told what to do, an insult to the overdeveloped independent spirit, a threat to take something away when so much else has already been lost.

Children do need boundaries and they do need parents.  Developmentally they are not equipped to handle adult situations or adult emotions, but they do because they are adaptable and creative.  Children are survivalists.  However, all this time spent doing adult things they miss out on the stages of childhood development and never learn how to do child things.  As teachers, we have to gently, respectfully, and creatively teach them how to be children again.  And we must start at the very beginning, the foundation of development, Trust versus Mistrust.

Teach the child in your home that she can trust you.  Do not say, "You can trust me."  It is likely she has heard these words many times before and they were not true.  You must teach the child in your home that she can trust you through your actions.  In every small way, earn trust.  This means lots of different things, but do not be deceived into thinking that years of reinforcement of mistrust will be wiped away by a few weeks in your home or because you know that your home and your family are trust worthy.  You must prove that you can be trusted, again and again and again.

Here are some simple ways to SHOW that you are trustworthy:

1) Be where you said you would be, when you said you would be there
2) Keep your voice within normal levels, avoid any yelling
3) Serve 3 meals a day at regular times
4) Post your rules and consequences in your home and give the child a copy
5) Follow through with consequences consistently
6) Follow your own rules
7) Speak positively of the child both in the home and in public
8) Ask permission before you touch the child or enter her room
9) Explain what you are doing and why you are doing it
10) Apologize when you have hurt feelings or made a misstep

Children interpret what they see and what they're told through the mind of child without the benefit of experience or knowledge.  As a result they draw conclusions and connections that don't really exist.  We have to help them draw accurate connections between what we say and what we do and thereby teach them healthy ways of relating to the world around them.  A co-worker recently went to a movie with friends one night.  Meanwhile, her 6 year old son left a message on her phone that she was "neglecting" him.

A 6 year old is not neglected because his mom has healthy social life, but he might feel neglected.  A child from a stable family might feel neglected, but know in reality that he is not.  Trust has been developed.  But a child from an unstable family who has experienced more mistrust than trust, truly might believe a parent is neglectful.  It's our duty as parents to help a child understand healthy interactions and explain that  it is important for people to have family and friends and multiple support systems.  It is also important for people to take care of themselves and do safe things that they enjoy. And in reality it can be difficult to share people we love, but one way we love them is through sharing them.