Knight in Shining Pajamas?

My 3 year old has just been initiated into an age old guild of young boys, Knighthood.  He is a brave knight, the protector of his family, invisible sword in hand, conquering dragons and lions and tigers and whatever other threatening animals dwell in the darkness up the stairs at bed time. His fool proof "armor" are his safari pajamas.   Having developed a general trust in the world and the people in it, established confidence in his own independence and will, he as come to the point at which he must develop initiative versus guilt.  He must develop his sense of purpose, his knowing that he is in this world for a reason and that what he does matters. He must move forward in his life knowing that he can try new things and fail, explore the world both imaginary and real,  and that he will be loved and supported while he does so.

A child in this developmental stage of life needs to be affirmed that he is powerful and capable and that his explorations into the world around him are important.  A child also needs to be taught that his power is his to wield in the service of others.  He has the ability to change things as well as the ability to help others.  He has the right to his emotions, but also the responsibility to experience consequences.  This is the foundation of an emotionally intelligent and compassionate soul.

If, however, the struggle for initiative is thwarted, a child may easily experience guilt in his life.  He may feel that he is worthless, doing things wrong, or not doing enough.  A child experiencing this guilt may withdraw for fear of doing something wrong or overcompensate and try to take command of everything.  The foundation of the child continues to be damaged when at every turn he's not allowed to touch things or talk to people in public or he's laughed at for not being able to competently do a task or he's corrected at every turn or he is allowed to do anything he wants without parental intervention or  he is told that his made up story is a "lie" or he is punished for crying or getting angry.

Children come into foster care with many cracks in their developmental foundation.  As each developmental stage builds upon another, guilt builds upon shame and shame builds upon mistrust.  Foster parents have the job of going back to re-examine the foundations, no matter what the child's age, and filling in the cracks.  Therefore a 10 year old might need to be held and rocked like a 1 year old, an 8 year old might need to yell and tell you "no", and a 14 year old might need to play pretend.  They need help filling in those cracks, building back trust and autonomy and initiative.

We all have cracks, that is part of being human.  And there is no shame in being a parent who has not built a strong foundation for their child.  We act out of our own brokenness and we don't know any better than what we have been taught ourselves.  Thankfully we have friends, family, teachers, foster parents and more to help us build where we aren't able, but that never replaces the role of a parent in the heart of a child.

The Childhood Affirmations Program, www.childhoodaffirmations.com, provides the following list of suggestions on concepts of how to encourage your 3-6 year old child.  Try your best to communicate that:

1) We enjoy having you explore who you are and finding out who other people are.
2) You can feel powerful and capable and still ask for help when you want it.
3) You can learn that behavior has consequences.
4) You can imagine things without being afraid they will come true.
5) We gladly give you our support and love.
6) All of your feelings are okay with us.

Build these affirmations in your child, no matter what the age.  Some of us adults still need them!