Therapeutic Foster Care in rural Western North Carolina

I hope that Creative Families will support, encourage, and refresh those of you who provide therapeutic services for children in desperate situations. I also hope to stir the desire of others to open their homes and hearts to children who have no where else to go.

Monday, March 26, 2012

The GIFT

Two weekends ago, I attended a Marriage Encounter with my husband.  The presenters, Dr. Tom and Beverly Rodgers, have been married for 34 years and co-directors of a private Christian counseling practice for 30 years (http://soulhealinglove.com/).  At the event, the Rodgers taught what they describe as a "God inspired" technique for working through anger.

Anger  is a secondary emotion, the tip of the iceberg, the emotional method used to express another, primary emotion.  Ultimately, the root of this primary emotion is what needs to be addressed.  Once the root of this primary emotion is addressed then an individual can begin to alter their responses to emotional triggers.  

Most children, especially in foster care, are hurt at some point in their childhood.  This hurt often expresses itself in anger, both rational and irrational.  Children in foster care often struggle with outrageous anger and outbursts, usually evidenced in children much younger.  One 16 year old recently told me "I act like a two year old" when she gets mad.  Most recently, when the foster parent offered another egg with breakfast, the 16 year old threw the egg back at the foster parent, raised her voice, and ultimately ended  up kicking and screaming on the floor.  Afterward the child looks back and sees the ridiculousness of the moment, but in recalling the foster parent offering her the extra egg, she still gets angry.

I was able to teach this 16 year old the Rodgers' technique and use of the acronym GIFT, telling the youth that when she becomes angry to grab her thumb.  Grabbing her thumb is a "grounding technique" that allows her to be a little more rational in the heat of the moment.  Holding her thumb helps her to be more oriented to person, place, and time.  She becomes more aware of herself and her thumb is a reminder of what comes next.  At this point, the child has the chance to identify what happened that made her angry, "The Trigger".  Then she needs to try to verbalize what she really feels:
  • Guilty?
  • Inadequate/unworthy?
  • Fearful?
  • Trauma/ past hurt that this circumstance reminds you of?
These four feelings are primary emotions.  Acknowledging the real emotion diffuses the anger episode and allows the child to be honest with herself.  Being honest with herself and others allows her to begin to create real relationships.  These are relationships in which honesty, forgiveness, healing, and growth can occur.  Recognize and own the real emotion, then look at the root of when that emotion began.  We all experience hurts, some more traumatic than others.  When those hurts occur, we begin to believe a lie about ourselves.  This 16 year old, through neglect, came to believe "no one cares about me."  This refrain runs through her head, day in and day out.  When someone doesn't hear her say she does not want another egg and offers it to her anyway, she is transformed into that little neglected girl that no one paid attention to or stood up for.  And she responds the exact same way that little girl would, by kicking and screaming and throwing a fit for attention, to prove that somebody cared.

So the next time you get irrationally angry, stop and think. . .What am I really feeling?

Monday, March 19, 2012

Pow-Pow- Power Wheels

Robert is a 5 year old boy who arose early before his parents.  Deciding he wanted to go visit his grandmother three miles down the road, Robert climbed into his little power wheel jeep and started the three mile trip down the 4 lane road.  A woman saw him out her window and called the police.  When the police pulled the little man over, Robert refused to provide any information except for his first name.  "I'm not supposed to talk to strangers," he curtly told the officer.  Luckily, mom had since woken up and realizing her little boy was gone, called 911.  The family was alerted to Robert's whereabouts and the precocious 5 year old was safely returned home.  True story.

This anecdote strikes many chords: funny and scary all at the same time.  However, there is an additional piece to the story.  The child already had behavior issues that had been permitted to slide due to parental guilt and, according to the mother, already had a fear of police.  So, beyond a jaded awareness of "stranger danger", why might Robert's unyielding to the police be cause for concern?

Our social structure works on a basic communal understanding of healthy limits, right and wrong, rewards and consequences.  The premise of functioning adequately is acknowledging and working within this understanding.  We want to encourage the uniqueness in each person, celebrate freedoms, and inspire creativity.  At the same time, we want each individual to be respectful, conscientious, and safe.  Freedom and respect hang in a tense balance that frames our lives.

Children who enter into foster care often experience mistrust of authority which is then transferred to healthy authority.  Children have experienced abuse and neglect at the very hands of those entrusted with their care.  At a very early age, they have learned that those in authority are not just or safe in their responsibility.  Luckily, children are smart and adaptable; they alter their behavior to protect themselves and get their needs met.  Unfortunately, this independence lacks the maturity and insight of an adult perspective, potentially leading to dangerous circumstances.  A child may not disclose information appearing "secretive", he may engage in drug use appearing "delinquent", she may make overt sexual provocations appearing "loose".  Adults may interpret this immature or troublesome behavior as rebellion or punishable behavior, but really the behavior is a finely tuned way for the child to get what they need (control, security, acceptance, attention).  Since children have learned not to depend on others to get their needs met, children take it into their own hands.

For foster parents, remember that a child's ability to get their needs met is a strength.  The child is creative, adaptable, and resourceful.  Be warned, the child will not quickly trust you, nor will they quickly stop using the methods that have thus far worked for them.  Inter-dependence is hard to learn after you've established that you are the only one you can trust.  

  • The best thing you can do is be supportive and patient.  
  • Be an example of appropriate behavior and narrate what you do, how you do it, and why you do it. 
  • Ask open ended questions that help the child discover why he or she makes certain decisions.
  • Help a child paint a picture of what he or she wants in life
  • Demonstrate that you are on the child's team by advocating for what is in his or her best interest
  • Establish rewards and consequences that communicate that an adult is taking charge and watching out for the child
Don't stop believing in the possibility of change.  The longest and hardest part of change is coming to the realization and conviction that one needs the change.  Notice and affirm the small successes- being caught with the drugs, but choosing not to use them is a success.  It means you are doing something right!  Foster parents are deconstructing well built walls one stone at a time.

Monday, March 5, 2012

A Community Look at Foster Care



This past Saturday, the Waynesville Library, Appalachian Community Services, and Haywood Bound hosted an exciting opportunity to learn more about foster care in our area and the huge need for foster parents.  At last count, Haywood County DSS had custody of 98 children.  60% of those children are placed in local Haywood County homes.  However, 40% of those children are in homes outside of the county, away from family, friends, and community.  Over the last 6 months, in recognition of how important it is for children to stay a part of their community, DSS director Ira Dove has made a distinct effort to recruit foster families through collaboration of DSS and private foster care agencies.  This collaboration has come to be known as Haywood Bound.

As a part of the effort to recruit foster parents, Mr. Dove and several other community leaders came together for a panel event on foster care.  These community leaders included Dr. Steve Wall from Haywood Pediatrics, Tara Keilberg, director of Kids Advocacy Resource Effort (KARE), Scott MacGregor, a Family Life Educator and soon to be graduate of Western with a Masters in Clinical Mental Health with a focus on forgiveness, and Pablo and Maria Averza, therapeutic foster parents since 2006.  The panel was preceded by a dynamically honest dramatic interpretation by local actress Barbara Bates Smith of NC author Kaye Gibbon’s novel Ellen FosterEllen Foster tells the story of a little girl, Ellen, and her journey out of an abusive past and into a foster home that Ellen sees as her sanctuary, “somewhere friendly” and where “nothing new bad has happened to me since I got here.”

The panelists used Barabara’s performance as a backdrop to talk about the issues of foster care in Haywood County.  In 2010, 479 children in Western North Carolina were placed in legal custody of DSS.  8,826 children were in foster care statewide, with only 7, 684 licensed foster homes.   Children have been taken out of their homes for reasons of abuse and neglect and placed in relatives’ homes, therapeutic and family foster homes, group homes, etc.  Dr. Wall shared his experiences of how he has seen foster parents make a huge impact on children’s medical stability and ability to socially interact.  A foster parent needs nothing more than patience and an ability to establish healthy boundaries.  For the things a parent doesn’t know, there is a whole team involved to assist both the child and the foster parents.  Ms. Keilberg shared how KARE provides support for foster parents and birth parents through parenting classes and advocacy work.  Truly, though a family is doing the work with a child day in and day out, foster parents are not alone.  Parents are provided appropriate training, regular supervision, and access to services to help support the child.

Mr. MacGregor explained the researched benefits of forgiveness and helped to define what forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not.  Forgiveness is  not excusing the pain that was done, it is releasing the "right to revenge" and recognizing that every person is deserving of respect because they are created human.  Mr. MacGregor discussed how one can practice forgiveness, exercising by forgiving daily the little things (like someone cutting you off in traffic) so that you become strong enough to forgive the big things (like abuse or neglect).  Forgiveness has been medically demonstrated to improve the healing capacity of the body and mind.  Mr. and Mrs.  Averza echoed this sentiment, recognizing that it can be difficult to team together with struggling families.  However, the long time foster parents recognized the need for a child to have contact with their family and know that their parent is safe.  And, though attaching to a child and seeing that child leave again is difficult, the greater reward is modeling healthy relationships for that child and taking responsibility for and acting on a great need in the community.

The need for foster parents in Haywood County is an obtainable goal with the support of the community.  Haywood County needs 20 new foster parents in order to keep all of the children in their communities.  Look for Ellen Foster and Friends: A Look at Foster Care on your local Haywood County Television Channel.