The GIFT

Two weekends ago, I attended a Marriage Encounter with my husband.  The presenters, Dr. Tom and Beverly Rodgers, have been married for 34 years and co-directors of a private Christian counseling practice for 30 years (http://soulhealinglove.com/).  At the event, the Rodgers taught what they describe as a "God inspired" technique for working through anger.

Anger  is a secondary emotion, the tip of the iceberg, the emotional method used to express another, primary emotion.  Ultimately, the root of this primary emotion is what needs to be addressed.  Once the root of this primary emotion is addressed then an individual can begin to alter their responses to emotional triggers.  

Most children, especially in foster care, are hurt at some point in their childhood.  This hurt often expresses itself in anger, both rational and irrational.  Children in foster care often struggle with outrageous anger and outbursts, usually evidenced in children much younger.  One 16 year old recently told me "I act like a two year old" when she gets mad.  Most recently, when the foster parent offered another egg with breakfast, the 16 year old threw the egg back at the foster parent, raised her voice, and ultimately ended  up kicking and screaming on the floor.  Afterward the child looks back and sees the ridiculousness of the moment, but in recalling the foster parent offering her the extra egg, she still gets angry.

I was able to teach this 16 year old the Rodgers' technique and use of the acronym GIFT, telling the youth that when she becomes angry to grab her thumb.  Grabbing her thumb is a "grounding technique" that allows her to be a little more rational in the heat of the moment.  Holding her thumb helps her to be more oriented to person, place, and time.  She becomes more aware of herself and her thumb is a reminder of what comes next.  At this point, the child has the chance to identify what happened that made her angry, "The Trigger".  Then she needs to try to verbalize what she really feels:

• Guilty?
• Inadequate/unworthy?
• Fearful?
• Trauma/ past hurt that this circumstance reminds you of?

These four feelings are primary emotions.  Acknowledging the real emotion diffuses the anger episode and allows the child to be honest with herself.  Being honest with herself and others allows her to begin to create real relationships.  These are relationships in which honesty, forgiveness, healing, and growth can occur.  Recognize and own the real emotion, then look at the root of when that emotion began.  We all experience hurts, some more traumatic than others.  When those hurts occur, we begin to believe a lie about ourselves.  This 16 year old, through neglect, came to believe "no one cares about me."  This refrain runs through her head, day in and day out.  When someone doesn't hear her say she does not want another egg and offers it to her anyway, she is transformed into that little neglected girl that no one paid attention to or stood up for.  And she responds the exact same way that little girl would, by kicking and screaming and throwing a fit for attention, to prove that somebody cared.

So the next time you get irrationally angry, stop and think. . .What am I really feeling?

Pieces

I heard tell of a man, a used bookseller, who collected items used as bookmarks that he found in used books.  He found concert ticket stubs, love letters, receipts, postcards, letters from a daughter to her dying father in a nursing home.  The thought of collecting these items fascinates me and tugs at my heart.  Think of the lives these items represent, the hands who so often touched these items.  So often, I mindlessly grab things to stick into a book, but often the items are significant in some way and represent some memory that I want to hold on to or revisit often.  Bookmarks are only glanced at, but for a moment they recreate that special memory every time you open the pages of a book.  To other people, the items stuck in a book look like random worthless items, but to the keeper the item is a link to pieces of their life.

Imagine that you hear a knock on your door.  A person of authority enters your home and explains that she is taking you to a new home to live with new people.  If you say you won't go, the person explains very calmly and firmly that you have to and you will.  If you say you will run away, the person explains that you will be found and brought back.  If you ask why, the person explains that there is no other choice.  You are told to pack your things, but there is not room for any living things.

You are then taken from your home, your family, and brought to a new home, with new people you have never met.  This new family has been told all about you and they are very excited to have you come live with them.  You are shown to a room and told to make yourself comfortable.  You do not know when you will see your family again.  All that you have of your family, of where you come from, are those few things you packed in the 30 minutes before you were taken from your home.

What did you pack?  Some clothing essentials, a toothbrush, a favorite t-shirt, a book or some pictures.  Did you pack a blanket or a pillow?  An item belonging to someone you love?  How would you feel if your new family tried to replace those items, buy you "nicer" clothes and give away the clothes that you came with?  What if they washed that blanket or pillow and that familiar smell of home disappeared?  What if, as you sat on your new bed in your new home, your new family tried to "help" you and unpack all of your belongings, touch everything that you brought of your old life?

Children removed from their families and placed in foster care often show up on doorsteps with a garbage bag of belongings.  Often the children have little time to prepare for a move, little time to pack, little control over what happens in his life.  He has no control over the home he is placed in or when he can talk to or see his family.  Everything is new, the people he is living with, the school and church he attends.  Be careful how you treat a lice infested stuffed animal or a crumpled carton of cigarettes or a holey t-shirt. What a child brings may look like random worthless items, but for the child the item is a link to pieces of their life.