"Life Unexpected" was a TV drama over the last few years that detailed the life and family drama of a 15 year old girl reunified with her parents after a childhood spent in the foster care system. Amid the drama and crazy relationships of soap opera proportions, there are beautiful nuggets of truth and redemption that keep one coming back to the screen. Recently, I watched an episode in which Luxe, the main character, has a conversation with a high school English teacher. Luxe is frustrated and hurt by the juvenile and mean spirited antics of some classmates and bemoaning the fact that she doesn't fit it. The teacher points out to Luxe that the other kids are just trying to be grown ups, whereas Luxe is a grown up just trying to be a kid.
This is true for most of our kids in foster care. How many times have we remarked that these little kids are dealing with adult issues? This makes the job of parenting sticky, complicated. Often, children in foster care have been there own parent, they've been the ones responsible for feeding their families, for protecting their siblings, for nursing their parents, for deciphering what it means to be loved. After so much responsibility, it's a struggle to be told what to do, an insult to the overdeveloped independent spirit, a threat to take something away when so much else has already been lost.
Children do need boundaries and they do need parents. Developmentally they are not equipped to handle adult situations or adult emotions, but they do because they are adaptable and creative. Children are survivalists. However, all this time spent doing adult things they miss out on the stages of childhood development and never learn how to do child things. As teachers, we have to gently, respectfully, and creatively teach them how to be children again. And we must start at the very beginning, the foundation of development, Trust versus Mistrust.
Teach the child in your home that she can trust you. Do not say, "You can trust me." It is likely she has heard these words many times before and they were not true. You must teach the child in your home that she can trust you through your actions. In every small way, earn trust. This means lots of different things, but do not be deceived into thinking that years of reinforcement of mistrust will be wiped away by a few weeks in your home or because you know that your home and your family are trust worthy. You must prove that you can be trusted, again and again and again.
Here are some simple ways to SHOW that you are trustworthy:
1) Be where you said you would be, when you said you would be there
2) Keep your voice within normal levels, avoid any yelling
3) Serve 3 meals a day at regular times
4) Post your rules and consequences in your home and give the child a copy
5) Follow through with consequences consistently
6) Follow your own rules
7) Speak positively of the child both in the home and in public
8) Ask permission before you touch the child or enter her room
9) Explain what you are doing and why you are doing it
10) Apologize when you have hurt feelings or made a misstep
Children interpret what they see and what they're told through the mind of child without the benefit of experience or knowledge. As a result they draw conclusions and connections that don't really exist. We have to help them draw accurate connections between what we say and what we do and thereby teach them healthy ways of relating to the world around them. A co-worker recently went to a movie with friends one night. Meanwhile, her 6 year old son left a message on her phone that she was "neglecting" him.
A 6 year old is not neglected because his mom has healthy social life, but he might feel neglected. A child from a stable family might feel neglected, but know in reality that he is not. Trust has been developed. But a child from an unstable family who has experienced more mistrust than trust, truly might believe a parent is neglectful. It's our duty as parents to help a child understand healthy interactions and explain that it is important for people to have family and friends and multiple support systems. It is also important for people to take care of themselves and do safe things that they enjoy. And in reality it can be difficult to share people we love, but one way we love them is through sharing them.
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