The Stress of Childhood

                                     “I’m so busy.”   “I don’t have time.”  “I’m so stressed out.”

Unless you make intentional efforts to guard your time, these mantras seem to be the bane of our modern life existence.  We allow stress to follow us wherever we go and, by so doing, allow it to impact our health, our relationships, and our peace of mind. 

Mayo Clinic’s Effects of Stress on Health

Physical Effects	Emotional Effects	Behavioral Effects
Headaches Muscle tension Stomach aches Insomnia High blood pressure Diabetes Obesity	Decreased Productivity Decreased motivation Depression Anxiety Irritability	Over or under eating Anger outbursts Substance Abuse Social Isolation

Without a doubt stress impacts our lives, but do you realize how much stress impacts the lives of our children?   Children are in a crucible of developmental tension.  What seems trivial or like simple play is really a method of learning about the world around them and establishing their own sense of self.  At each developmental stage (Erickson, E.H., Childhood and Society, 1985), the child ultimately chooses between two world views and establishes how they will relate to adjusts to people and society. This is the normal work of a child and can be stressful in and of itself without the added stress imposed on them by adults:

What is normal stress for a child?

• Seeing parents leave and come back (trust vs. mistrust)
• Learning to share and not always getting what they want (initiative vs. guilt)
• Trying something new until they succeed (autonomy vs. shame and doubt)
•  Interacting with new environments (industry vs. inferiority)
• Evaluating belief systems (identity vs. identity diffusion)
• Forming friendships, experiencing loss, comparing and competing with peers
• Standing up for themselves, people they love, and values they believe in

  These issues are tough and ones adults continue to perfect their grasp on throughout a lifetime. Children are accomplishing this huge stressful task of developing their own sense of self and view of the world.  In addition, they must manage the intense stress of divorce, poverty, nutritional depletion, domestic violence, substance abuse, abuse and neglect, internet predators, school shootings, racism, and more.  Children are onslaught with adult issues without the maturity necessary to process or cope in a healthy way.

All this to say, children are doing critical and difficult emotional work on a daily basis.  They need adults to help them manage this stress instead of adding to it.  As adults, it is our job to:

1. Care for yourself (alone time, date nights, time with friends,  doing something you enjoy, explore your spirituality) 
2. Take responsibility for the adult issues in your life (Don’t blame others, Don’t rely on your child as a confidante)
3. Teach and demonstrate healthy coping mechanisms (positive ways of dealing with negative emotions)
4.  Explain why things happen (link cause and effect and avoid your child seeing themselves as the cause)
5.  Listen to your child without judgment or comment (don’t interrupt!)
6. Establish routines that your child can depend on (meals, bed times, etc)
7. Limit extracurricular  activities
8. Prepare healthy meals and snacks
9. Plan family activities
10. Exercise

 “Appreciating each other is a true family value, one that will bail out much of the stress on the planet and help strengthen the universal bond all people have.” – Sara Paddison

Big Person in a Little Body

"Life Unexpected" was a TV drama over the last few years that detailed the life and family drama of a 15 year old girl reunified with her parents after a childhood spent in the foster care system.  Amid the drama and crazy relationships of soap opera proportions, there are beautiful nuggets of truth and redemption that keep one coming back to the screen.  Recently, I watched an episode in which Luxe, the main character, has a conversation with a high school English teacher.  Luxe is frustrated and hurt by the juvenile and mean spirited antics of some classmates and bemoaning the fact that she doesn't fit it.  The teacher points out to Luxe that the other kids are just trying to be grown ups, whereas Luxe is a grown up just trying to be a kid.

This is true for most of our kids in foster care.  How many times have we remarked that these little kids are dealing with adult issues?  This makes the job of parenting sticky, complicated.  Often, children in foster care have been there own parent, they've been the ones responsible for feeding their families, for protecting their siblings, for nursing their parents, for deciphering what it means to be loved.  After so much responsibility, it's a struggle to be told what to do, an insult to the overdeveloped independent spirit, a threat to take something away when so much else has already been lost.

Children do need boundaries and they do need parents.  Developmentally they are not equipped to handle adult situations or adult emotions, but they do because they are adaptable and creative.  Children are survivalists.  However, all this time spent doing adult things they miss out on the stages of childhood development and never learn how to do child things.  As teachers, we have to gently, respectfully, and creatively teach them how to be children again.  And we must start at the very beginning, the foundation of development, Trust versus Mistrust.

Teach the child in your home that she can trust you.  Do not say, "You can trust me."  It is likely she has heard these words many times before and they were not true.  You must teach the child in your home that she can trust you through your actions.  In every small way, earn trust.  This means lots of different things, but do not be deceived into thinking that years of reinforcement of mistrust will be wiped away by a few weeks in your home or because you know that your home and your family are trust worthy.  You must prove that you can be trusted, again and again and again.

Here are some simple ways to SHOW that you are trustworthy:

1) Be where you said you would be, when you said you would be there
2) Keep your voice within normal levels, avoid any yelling
3) Serve 3 meals a day at regular times
4) Post your rules and consequences in your home and give the child a copy
5) Follow through with consequences consistently
6) Follow your own rules
7) Speak positively of the child both in the home and in public
8) Ask permission before you touch the child or enter her room
9) Explain what you are doing and why you are doing it
10) Apologize when you have hurt feelings or made a misstep

Children interpret what they see and what they're told through the mind of child without the benefit of experience or knowledge.  As a result they draw conclusions and connections that don't really exist.  We have to help them draw accurate connections between what we say and what we do and thereby teach them healthy ways of relating to the world around them.  A co-worker recently went to a movie with friends one night.  Meanwhile, her 6 year old son left a message on her phone that she was "neglecting" him.

A 6 year old is not neglected because his mom has healthy social life, but he might feel neglected.  A child from a stable family might feel neglected, but know in reality that he is not.  Trust has been developed.  But a child from an unstable family who has experienced more mistrust than trust, truly might believe a parent is neglectful.  It's our duty as parents to help a child understand healthy interactions and explain that  it is important for people to have family and friends and multiple support systems.  It is also important for people to take care of themselves and do safe things that they enjoy. And in reality it can be difficult to share people we love, but one way we love them is through sharing them.

Hyper-Active Intervention

A foster parent came to me with a question, "My child is hyper active to the point the dog is nervous to be around her.  Any suggestions?".  The dog used to go to sleep in the car; after being around this 11 year old girl the dog urinates in the car, won't sit down, and begs to get out.  The child talks endlessly, jumps out to scare the parent when he gets home from work, startles when approached from behind, can't settle down once she gets wound up.  All this activity without any reprieve and the parent is going to get burnt out.  With holiday activities in full gear and additional family members in the home, some members whom the child has never met before, anxiety and hyperactivity are only increasing.

 I have more questions than suggestions.  Does the child have the ability to control herself?  Often times medications physically effect a child, beyond her control.  What has happened recently that might have influenced her behavior?  Changes can include medication, people she comes in contact with, family visits, change in legal status, situations at school, change in season, or simply the end of a honeymoon period.  Does the child realize that her behavior is hyperactive?  The child may or may not recognize her behavior as out of the ordinary or problematic.  And even if she does recognize that she is "hyper", she may not be able to identify in concrete terms what "hyper" means.

Three cheers for this foster parent!  First, this dad preserved the safety of his home for everyone, including the animals.  He put limits on time with family pets.  Therapeutic Foster Homes need to put safety first.  Ensuring a safe environment allows for children to trust.  If dad had not protected the animals, then how does the child know who in the home falls within dad's protective bounds.  Second, both dad and mom provided opportunities for the child to play, go outside, draw, do pottery, talk and sing to herself (what child doesn't love an opportunity to be their own rock star!).  The family bakes, does crafts, and puts on puppet shows together.  What a rich opportunity for this child to be active and creative after sitting still and being quiet at school all day.

However, all the activities do not negate the need for learning the appropriate times for such heightened activity and the appropriate times for calm. Often times children do not make the connection between their feelings and their behaviors.  As emotional teachers, parents need to facilitate children making those connections for themselves.  I'm all the time helping my own children make the connection between their grumpy, whiny tantrums and their recent sugar consumption.  My hope is that as they grow older they will be able to take care of themselves and make healthy decisions.  I also hope that they will be aware enough of their own body to put precautions into place when needed.  I suppose this is the 3 year old's equivalent of appointing a designated driver when attending a party where alcohol is being served.

We have to teach children emotional intelligence; teach them how to pay attention to their bodies and feelings, understand how those feelings impact their behavior, recognize how that behavior impacts themselves and others, and then know how to alter their behavior and make safe decisions.

The first step is to engage that child in a conversation.  The child is the clue to the interventions that will work for her.   Always use the sandwich model for these conversations: remember positive-what needs to change-positive.  ("Honey, I'm really proud of you for staying calm and focused at school."- "Let's talk about how you might be able to do that at home a little more."- "You are an amazing kid to help me figure all this out.  Thank you so much.")

 1)  Explore the problem and desired behaviors.  Lead the child in a brainstorming session about what hyper looks like: what does she feel when she's hyper, what does she do when she's hyper, how do those behaviors impact her and other people?  What does calm look like: what does she feel when she's calm, what helps her feel calm, what can others do to help her be calm?
2)  Define Expectations.  Children need to know they can trust someone else to be in charge.  They also need to concretely know what we expect. ("Listen to me" is not a clear instruction.  Define "Listen", what does "listen" look like.  Listen means to close your mouth, look at my eyes, hear what I am saying, then be able to repeat it back to me.)  Discuss important times to be calm: school, meal times, bed time, church.  Discuss times when it's okay to be hyper and what levels of hyper are okay: recess, after school, running outside, screaming outside, etc.
3)  Make a game.  Come up with a way that together you and the child can help her achieve success.  Help her start connecting her feelings and behaviors.  Is there a secret signal you can give when her hyperactivity is starting to increase?  Think baseball.  Can you pull your ear or scratch your nose to signal her to use some of her calming skills?
4) Reward.  What does the child like?  What does she think she deserves if she's able to accomplish the task at hand?  How is she going to earn that reward?  Maybe she gets a sticker every time she is able to calm down 5 minutes after you flash the secret signal.  If she gets 4 stickers in a week, maybe she earns a magazine or a trip to roller rink or a special outing with dad.  Figure out what works and use it to REINFORCE positive behaviors.

Remember a lot of adults do not have the emotional intelligence to make safe decisions.  Don't expect your child to be perfect.  Catch her using her skills and reward her.  Do this again, and again, and again, and again.