Every child is unique and tests boundaries in different ways. Some test boundaries subtly, slyly slipping their toe over "the line" when you're not looking; others test boundaries within the letter of the law, standing toe to toe with "the line" but never crossing it; still others test boundaries boldly, stomping over "the line" while you stand there and tell them not to do so. My younger son, born with a brave conqueror's spirit, can do all three. His name does not mean "spear of God" for nothing!
At two years old, I have already seen glimpses of him at 16: rolling his eyes, stomping away, and slamming his bedroom door. I've witnessed his defiance and direct rebellion in the smallest of ways, and I am thankful that in direct alignment to this warrior's spirit is a compassionate heart. This brute of a two year old is also the cuddliest snuggler, the hugger and kisser, the one who gently rubs his parents awake in the morning. I also take heart that my two year old is doing exactly what he's supposed to do and he trusts me enough to do it.
Between 18 months and 3 years of age children are finding their autonomy and establishing themselves as separate beings from their parents and siblings. Now is the time for him to exert his will, his independence, his control. It is also the time for him to find courage to be in the world, to speak his mind, to challenge what is put before him. He must express himself, but then he must learn self-control. He must learn that there are consequences for his actions. He must learn that there are limits to what he can and can't do, what is acceptable exertion of one's self and what is not acceptable. The child must know that it is okay to say "no", but that saying "no" does not give him the right to hurt himself or others.
This time period is a trial for the parents, both those controlling and those lenient. If you are too controlling you break the spirit, if you are too lenient you get run over. Any way, you are exhausted. Parenting takes time, attention, energy, and dedication. For foster parents it can be even more difficult because you do not have the affection a parent is given and in most cases you don't see the little child. You get a hurt and angry teenager on your doorstep, ready to prove they don't need you. But somewhere in the middle is the balance between respecting the child's discovery of his own autonomy and teaching him healthy limits.
Without balance and respect, the child is confused. His security in his independence is wavering. He tests his boundaries in order to learn what is right and wrong, not because he knows what is right and wrong. If he doesn't get a consistent answer he experiences shame instead of confidence. He's unsure. When he acts he doesn't know if he will be rebuked, praised, or ignored. He becomes embarrassed or defiant. A child who cannot be confident in his ability to express himself, feels shame when he is corrected, shame when he is singled out, shame when he is confronted. He feels shame at the core of his identity because the message he receives is that he is not worth being corrected or not worth being paid attention.
As caregivers for children in foster care, our goal is to make children feel capable, lovable, responsible, and worthwhile. This is our mantra. Capable, lovable, responsible, and worthwhile. We must go back. We must teach the child that he is worth loving, that he is worth protecting, and that he is worth listening to. We teach a child this by allowing him to express himself in safe ways, having conversations along the way, and drawing the line when someone's health and safety is threatened. This self expression may show itself in clothes that you don't approve of or change in hair color or the word "no" (or much worse!) or rolling of eyes or not eating at meal times. Don't be side tracked or thrown off the scent by focusing on the individual behaviors. Don't get offended by behaviors that don't adhere to your values. See them for what they are, a search for autonomy and self-worth, a testing of the limits, a journey out of shame.
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