This summer something historic is happening. For the first time women will compete in Olympic boxing. Trying out for the team is Tyrieshia Douglas. Tyrieshia grew up in foster care and is now in the running to be a world champion. She and her four siblings grew up in separate foster homes after being removed from their own home due to parental drug abuse. Tyrieshia first became interested in boxing after seeing her brother's box at the gym, amazed that they got to "beat up people for free." When she asked to box, Tyrieshia was adamantly told "no" because she was a girl. Eventually, at the recommendation of a juvenile court judge after she was arrested for fighting, Tyrieshia did start boxing and, at number 2 in the country for her weight division, has a chance to make history.
Tyrieshia's coach is like a father figure in her life; he has supported her in doing what everyone else thought was crazy and unfeminine. Now at 23 years old, Tyrieshia is reunited with family, living with one of her brothers and on speaking terms with her mother. Family never stops being family, but other mentors are priceless. Without them, children may never get a chance to accomplish their dreams. One foster family I've worked with did something similar for a little 11 year old girl. They offered her every extracurricular activity in the book: gymnastics, ballet, cheer-leading. The child's request? Football. The family, a two female home, were surprised but encouraging. They decided that if football is what she wanted to do, then they would support her in that endeavor. This tall, thin, blond, delightful girl became one of the best players on the team- nose guard, in fact.
"If you are strong enough to stand up against all the odds that you face, there is something within you that is special," says Christy Halbert, international women's boxing coach. As parents, we often try to make our child fit within social boundaries. This includes making them color in the lines, paint trees green instead of purple, girls cheer, boys play sports, sit down and stay still, don't talk, clean your plate without attention to how your body actually feels. As tempting as it may be, do not slip into this trap. See that something special in the child that is in your home, encourage them and help them to be "strong enough to stand up against all odds," you never know what they will become. Our role as parents is to nurture the child's self-identity, build their confidence in who they are and their ability to make decisions, be creative, be self-aware and follow their dreams. Anything less is bred from a spirit control.
Children who come into foster care are often so emotionally beat down that they have no positive opinion of themselves and no trust in their own thoughts or feelings. They feel worthless. One beautiful 14 year old girl I work with just recently stated, "nobody likes me, nobody cares." She needs nurturers that will build self-worth into her. She needs to see that people care and that people like her even if she doesn't believe it. A foster parent has to teach a child how to pay attention to their feelings; often a foster parent must reteach the meaning of words and experiences- what is safe? what is love? what is satisfaction?
How does a parent walk a child from feeling totally worthless to feeling confident in themselves? How do you do it for a 2 year old? You squeal and rave over every little squiggle they make on a piece of paper. You delight in the mud pie they serve you in the sandbox. You react to them with the same amount of enjoyment/disappointment that they demonstrate. This same principle applies whether you are 2 or 10 or 16 or 25. We want people to respond with empathy, we want to know that we count for something. We want to know that we matter. The more a child believes in her own worth, the more she begins to respect herself. The more she respects herself, the more she is able to respect other people. Self-worth and respect will help her to make safer decisions, to protect herself from inappropriate sexual behavior, to restrain herself when tempted to act out or not do anything.
"If you can get hit and hit a person back, you have to have heart. You might get hurt. That's heart to me"- Tyrieshia Douglas. Kids get hurt all the time, they get hit in so many ways, but they stay in the fight. Especially when they have a supportive team behind them. That's heart. The 11 year old nose guard went on to be adopted by a family member who will not let her play football. She may not play football anymore, but she learned some valuable lessons that she will carry with her. She learned her own strength. She learned that people care. She learned that she can accomplish what she sets her mind to do. And she still visits her foster parents.
www.npr.org/2012/02/06/146482663/as-olympic-trials-near-womens-boxing-heats-up
Showing posts with label creative parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label creative parenting. Show all posts
Monday, February 13, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Just a Child
Sitting down with some very experienced foster parents for the first time, they told me "we do foster care differently from most people." When I asked them to explain, they said "most therapeutic kids have to earn things to go in their rooms; we don't do that. When a foster child walks in our doors the "foster" is dropped; they are just a child."
These parents are right. Though a child may require therapeutic level boundaries and interventions, she still deserves a childhood. The child still deserves fun comforters and music to listen to, stuffed animals on their bed and toys in their room, goofy socks and hair barrettes. A child should not have to earn the right to be a child. Though she may need to earn certain privileges, she should not have to earn a family's affection or a comfortable environment. Children will meet the challenge of both the environment and the expectations of others. The nicer and more respectful the environment, the more children will respond with care.
How do you create a comfortable and respectful environment? Stay away from sterile. Though therapeutic, you are a home not a hospital. Many children, even older children, who have experienced abuse wet the bed at night. So find a mattress cover that is not plastic or that doesn't crinkle when someone rolls over. Use colors to brighten or calm the environment. Accent with rugs, curtains, pillows. Provide dressers and shelves and closet storage that encourage organization. Give the child a home tour when they first come, state the rules of the home and post them in visible place. It may seem trite or insulting to state simple rules like knocking on doors before entering or dressing behind closed doors or talk about emotions instead of hitting. But those rules, as simple as they seem, are not universal. Stating and posting rules will let the child know the expectations up front and will teach communication and respect.
Create a special, safe place that a child wants to be.
These parents are right. Though a child may require therapeutic level boundaries and interventions, she still deserves a childhood. The child still deserves fun comforters and music to listen to, stuffed animals on their bed and toys in their room, goofy socks and hair barrettes. A child should not have to earn the right to be a child. Though she may need to earn certain privileges, she should not have to earn a family's affection or a comfortable environment. Children will meet the challenge of both the environment and the expectations of others. The nicer and more respectful the environment, the more children will respond with care.
How do you create a comfortable and respectful environment? Stay away from sterile. Though therapeutic, you are a home not a hospital. Many children, even older children, who have experienced abuse wet the bed at night. So find a mattress cover that is not plastic or that doesn't crinkle when someone rolls over. Use colors to brighten or calm the environment. Accent with rugs, curtains, pillows. Provide dressers and shelves and closet storage that encourage organization. Give the child a home tour when they first come, state the rules of the home and post them in visible place. It may seem trite or insulting to state simple rules like knocking on doors before entering or dressing behind closed doors or talk about emotions instead of hitting. But those rules, as simple as they seem, are not universal. Stating and posting rules will let the child know the expectations up front and will teach communication and respect.
Create a special, safe place that a child wants to be.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Knight in Shining Pajamas?
My 3 year old has just been initiated into an age old guild of young boys, Knighthood. He is a brave knight, the protector of his family, invisible sword in hand, conquering dragons and lions and tigers and whatever other threatening animals dwell in the darkness up the stairs at bed time. His fool proof "armor" are his safari pajamas. Having developed a general trust in the world and the people in it, established confidence in his own independence and will, he as come to the point at which he must develop initiative versus guilt. He must develop his sense of purpose, his knowing that he is in this world for a reason and that what he does matters. He must move forward in his life knowing that he can try new things and fail, explore the world both imaginary and real, and that he will be loved and supported while he does so.
A child in this developmental stage of life needs to be affirmed that he is powerful and capable and that his explorations into the world around him are important. A child also needs to be taught that his power is his to wield in the service of others. He has the ability to change things as well as the ability to help others. He has the right to his emotions, but also the responsibility to experience consequences. This is the foundation of an emotionally intelligent and compassionate soul.
If, however, the struggle for initiative is thwarted, a child may easily experience guilt in his life. He may feel that he is worthless, doing things wrong, or not doing enough. A child experiencing this guilt may withdraw for fear of doing something wrong or overcompensate and try to take command of everything. The foundation of the child continues to be damaged when at every turn he's not allowed to touch things or talk to people in public or he's laughed at for not being able to competently do a task or he's corrected at every turn or he is allowed to do anything he wants without parental intervention or he is told that his made up story is a "lie" or he is punished for crying or getting angry.
Children come into foster care with many cracks in their developmental foundation. As each developmental stage builds upon another, guilt builds upon shame and shame builds upon mistrust. Foster parents have the job of going back to re-examine the foundations, no matter what the child's age, and filling in the cracks. Therefore a 10 year old might need to be held and rocked like a 1 year old, an 8 year old might need to yell and tell you "no", and a 14 year old might need to play pretend. They need help filling in those cracks, building back trust and autonomy and initiative.
We all have cracks, that is part of being human. And there is no shame in being a parent who has not built a strong foundation for their child. We act out of our own brokenness and we don't know any better than what we have been taught ourselves. Thankfully we have friends, family, teachers, foster parents and more to help us build where we aren't able, but that never replaces the role of a parent in the heart of a child.
The Childhood Affirmations Program, www.childhoodaffirmations.com, provides the following list of suggestions on concepts of how to encourage your 3-6 year old child. Try your best to communicate that:
1) We enjoy having you explore who you are and finding out who other people are.
2) You can feel powerful and capable and still ask for help when you want it.
3) You can learn that behavior has consequences.
4) You can imagine things without being afraid they will come true.
5) We gladly give you our support and love.
6) All of your feelings are okay with us.
Build these affirmations in your child, no matter what the age. Some of us adults still need them!
A child in this developmental stage of life needs to be affirmed that he is powerful and capable and that his explorations into the world around him are important. A child also needs to be taught that his power is his to wield in the service of others. He has the ability to change things as well as the ability to help others. He has the right to his emotions, but also the responsibility to experience consequences. This is the foundation of an emotionally intelligent and compassionate soul.
If, however, the struggle for initiative is thwarted, a child may easily experience guilt in his life. He may feel that he is worthless, doing things wrong, or not doing enough. A child experiencing this guilt may withdraw for fear of doing something wrong or overcompensate and try to take command of everything. The foundation of the child continues to be damaged when at every turn he's not allowed to touch things or talk to people in public or he's laughed at for not being able to competently do a task or he's corrected at every turn or he is allowed to do anything he wants without parental intervention or he is told that his made up story is a "lie" or he is punished for crying or getting angry.
Children come into foster care with many cracks in their developmental foundation. As each developmental stage builds upon another, guilt builds upon shame and shame builds upon mistrust. Foster parents have the job of going back to re-examine the foundations, no matter what the child's age, and filling in the cracks. Therefore a 10 year old might need to be held and rocked like a 1 year old, an 8 year old might need to yell and tell you "no", and a 14 year old might need to play pretend. They need help filling in those cracks, building back trust and autonomy and initiative.
We all have cracks, that is part of being human. And there is no shame in being a parent who has not built a strong foundation for their child. We act out of our own brokenness and we don't know any better than what we have been taught ourselves. Thankfully we have friends, family, teachers, foster parents and more to help us build where we aren't able, but that never replaces the role of a parent in the heart of a child.
The Childhood Affirmations Program, www.childhoodaffirmations.com, provides the following list of suggestions on concepts of how to encourage your 3-6 year old child. Try your best to communicate that:
1) We enjoy having you explore who you are and finding out who other people are.
2) You can feel powerful and capable and still ask for help when you want it.
3) You can learn that behavior has consequences.
4) You can imagine things without being afraid they will come true.
5) We gladly give you our support and love.
6) All of your feelings are okay with us.
Build these affirmations in your child, no matter what the age. Some of us adults still need them!
Monday, January 16, 2012
I Walk the Line
Every child is unique and tests boundaries in different ways. Some test boundaries subtly, slyly slipping their toe over "the line" when you're not looking; others test boundaries within the letter of the law, standing toe to toe with "the line" but never crossing it; still others test boundaries boldly, stomping over "the line" while you stand there and tell them not to do so. My younger son, born with a brave conqueror's spirit, can do all three. His name does not mean "spear of God" for nothing!
At two years old, I have already seen glimpses of him at 16: rolling his eyes, stomping away, and slamming his bedroom door. I've witnessed his defiance and direct rebellion in the smallest of ways, and I am thankful that in direct alignment to this warrior's spirit is a compassionate heart. This brute of a two year old is also the cuddliest snuggler, the hugger and kisser, the one who gently rubs his parents awake in the morning. I also take heart that my two year old is doing exactly what he's supposed to do and he trusts me enough to do it.
Between 18 months and 3 years of age children are finding their autonomy and establishing themselves as separate beings from their parents and siblings. Now is the time for him to exert his will, his independence, his control. It is also the time for him to find courage to be in the world, to speak his mind, to challenge what is put before him. He must express himself, but then he must learn self-control. He must learn that there are consequences for his actions. He must learn that there are limits to what he can and can't do, what is acceptable exertion of one's self and what is not acceptable. The child must know that it is okay to say "no", but that saying "no" does not give him the right to hurt himself or others.
This time period is a trial for the parents, both those controlling and those lenient. If you are too controlling you break the spirit, if you are too lenient you get run over. Any way, you are exhausted. Parenting takes time, attention, energy, and dedication. For foster parents it can be even more difficult because you do not have the affection a parent is given and in most cases you don't see the little child. You get a hurt and angry teenager on your doorstep, ready to prove they don't need you. But somewhere in the middle is the balance between respecting the child's discovery of his own autonomy and teaching him healthy limits.
Without balance and respect, the child is confused. His security in his independence is wavering. He tests his boundaries in order to learn what is right and wrong, not because he knows what is right and wrong. If he doesn't get a consistent answer he experiences shame instead of confidence. He's unsure. When he acts he doesn't know if he will be rebuked, praised, or ignored. He becomes embarrassed or defiant. A child who cannot be confident in his ability to express himself, feels shame when he is corrected, shame when he is singled out, shame when he is confronted. He feels shame at the core of his identity because the message he receives is that he is not worth being corrected or not worth being paid attention.
As caregivers for children in foster care, our goal is to make children feel capable, lovable, responsible, and worthwhile. This is our mantra. Capable, lovable, responsible, and worthwhile. We must go back. We must teach the child that he is worth loving, that he is worth protecting, and that he is worth listening to. We teach a child this by allowing him to express himself in safe ways, having conversations along the way, and drawing the line when someone's health and safety is threatened. This self expression may show itself in clothes that you don't approve of or change in hair color or the word "no" (or much worse!) or rolling of eyes or not eating at meal times. Don't be side tracked or thrown off the scent by focusing on the individual behaviors. Don't get offended by behaviors that don't adhere to your values. See them for what they are, a search for autonomy and self-worth, a testing of the limits, a journey out of shame.
At two years old, I have already seen glimpses of him at 16: rolling his eyes, stomping away, and slamming his bedroom door. I've witnessed his defiance and direct rebellion in the smallest of ways, and I am thankful that in direct alignment to this warrior's spirit is a compassionate heart. This brute of a two year old is also the cuddliest snuggler, the hugger and kisser, the one who gently rubs his parents awake in the morning. I also take heart that my two year old is doing exactly what he's supposed to do and he trusts me enough to do it.
Between 18 months and 3 years of age children are finding their autonomy and establishing themselves as separate beings from their parents and siblings. Now is the time for him to exert his will, his independence, his control. It is also the time for him to find courage to be in the world, to speak his mind, to challenge what is put before him. He must express himself, but then he must learn self-control. He must learn that there are consequences for his actions. He must learn that there are limits to what he can and can't do, what is acceptable exertion of one's self and what is not acceptable. The child must know that it is okay to say "no", but that saying "no" does not give him the right to hurt himself or others.
This time period is a trial for the parents, both those controlling and those lenient. If you are too controlling you break the spirit, if you are too lenient you get run over. Any way, you are exhausted. Parenting takes time, attention, energy, and dedication. For foster parents it can be even more difficult because you do not have the affection a parent is given and in most cases you don't see the little child. You get a hurt and angry teenager on your doorstep, ready to prove they don't need you. But somewhere in the middle is the balance between respecting the child's discovery of his own autonomy and teaching him healthy limits.
Without balance and respect, the child is confused. His security in his independence is wavering. He tests his boundaries in order to learn what is right and wrong, not because he knows what is right and wrong. If he doesn't get a consistent answer he experiences shame instead of confidence. He's unsure. When he acts he doesn't know if he will be rebuked, praised, or ignored. He becomes embarrassed or defiant. A child who cannot be confident in his ability to express himself, feels shame when he is corrected, shame when he is singled out, shame when he is confronted. He feels shame at the core of his identity because the message he receives is that he is not worth being corrected or not worth being paid attention.
As caregivers for children in foster care, our goal is to make children feel capable, lovable, responsible, and worthwhile. This is our mantra. Capable, lovable, responsible, and worthwhile. We must go back. We must teach the child that he is worth loving, that he is worth protecting, and that he is worth listening to. We teach a child this by allowing him to express himself in safe ways, having conversations along the way, and drawing the line when someone's health and safety is threatened. This self expression may show itself in clothes that you don't approve of or change in hair color or the word "no" (or much worse!) or rolling of eyes or not eating at meal times. Don't be side tracked or thrown off the scent by focusing on the individual behaviors. Don't get offended by behaviors that don't adhere to your values. See them for what they are, a search for autonomy and self-worth, a testing of the limits, a journey out of shame.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Big Person in a Little Body
"Life Unexpected" was a TV drama over the last few years that detailed the life and family drama of a 15 year old girl reunified with her parents after a childhood spent in the foster care system. Amid the drama and crazy relationships of soap opera proportions, there are beautiful nuggets of truth and redemption that keep one coming back to the screen. Recently, I watched an episode in which Luxe, the main character, has a conversation with a high school English teacher. Luxe is frustrated and hurt by the juvenile and mean spirited antics of some classmates and bemoaning the fact that she doesn't fit it. The teacher points out to Luxe that the other kids are just trying to be grown ups, whereas Luxe is a grown up just trying to be a kid.
This is true for most of our kids in foster care. How many times have we remarked that these little kids are dealing with adult issues? This makes the job of parenting sticky, complicated. Often, children in foster care have been there own parent, they've been the ones responsible for feeding their families, for protecting their siblings, for nursing their parents, for deciphering what it means to be loved. After so much responsibility, it's a struggle to be told what to do, an insult to the overdeveloped independent spirit, a threat to take something away when so much else has already been lost.
Children do need boundaries and they do need parents. Developmentally they are not equipped to handle adult situations or adult emotions, but they do because they are adaptable and creative. Children are survivalists. However, all this time spent doing adult things they miss out on the stages of childhood development and never learn how to do child things. As teachers, we have to gently, respectfully, and creatively teach them how to be children again. And we must start at the very beginning, the foundation of development, Trust versus Mistrust.
Teach the child in your home that she can trust you. Do not say, "You can trust me." It is likely she has heard these words many times before and they were not true. You must teach the child in your home that she can trust you through your actions. In every small way, earn trust. This means lots of different things, but do not be deceived into thinking that years of reinforcement of mistrust will be wiped away by a few weeks in your home or because you know that your home and your family are trust worthy. You must prove that you can be trusted, again and again and again.
Here are some simple ways to SHOW that you are trustworthy:
1) Be where you said you would be, when you said you would be there
2) Keep your voice within normal levels, avoid any yelling
3) Serve 3 meals a day at regular times
4) Post your rules and consequences in your home and give the child a copy
5) Follow through with consequences consistently
6) Follow your own rules
7) Speak positively of the child both in the home and in public
8) Ask permission before you touch the child or enter her room
9) Explain what you are doing and why you are doing it
10) Apologize when you have hurt feelings or made a misstep
Children interpret what they see and what they're told through the mind of child without the benefit of experience or knowledge. As a result they draw conclusions and connections that don't really exist. We have to help them draw accurate connections between what we say and what we do and thereby teach them healthy ways of relating to the world around them. A co-worker recently went to a movie with friends one night. Meanwhile, her 6 year old son left a message on her phone that she was "neglecting" him.
A 6 year old is not neglected because his mom has healthy social life, but he might feel neglected. A child from a stable family might feel neglected, but know in reality that he is not. Trust has been developed. But a child from an unstable family who has experienced more mistrust than trust, truly might believe a parent is neglectful. It's our duty as parents to help a child understand healthy interactions and explain that it is important for people to have family and friends and multiple support systems. It is also important for people to take care of themselves and do safe things that they enjoy. And in reality it can be difficult to share people we love, but one way we love them is through sharing them.
This is true for most of our kids in foster care. How many times have we remarked that these little kids are dealing with adult issues? This makes the job of parenting sticky, complicated. Often, children in foster care have been there own parent, they've been the ones responsible for feeding their families, for protecting their siblings, for nursing their parents, for deciphering what it means to be loved. After so much responsibility, it's a struggle to be told what to do, an insult to the overdeveloped independent spirit, a threat to take something away when so much else has already been lost.
Children do need boundaries and they do need parents. Developmentally they are not equipped to handle adult situations or adult emotions, but they do because they are adaptable and creative. Children are survivalists. However, all this time spent doing adult things they miss out on the stages of childhood development and never learn how to do child things. As teachers, we have to gently, respectfully, and creatively teach them how to be children again. And we must start at the very beginning, the foundation of development, Trust versus Mistrust.
Teach the child in your home that she can trust you. Do not say, "You can trust me." It is likely she has heard these words many times before and they were not true. You must teach the child in your home that she can trust you through your actions. In every small way, earn trust. This means lots of different things, but do not be deceived into thinking that years of reinforcement of mistrust will be wiped away by a few weeks in your home or because you know that your home and your family are trust worthy. You must prove that you can be trusted, again and again and again.
Here are some simple ways to SHOW that you are trustworthy:
1) Be where you said you would be, when you said you would be there
2) Keep your voice within normal levels, avoid any yelling
3) Serve 3 meals a day at regular times
4) Post your rules and consequences in your home and give the child a copy
5) Follow through with consequences consistently
6) Follow your own rules
7) Speak positively of the child both in the home and in public
8) Ask permission before you touch the child or enter her room
9) Explain what you are doing and why you are doing it
10) Apologize when you have hurt feelings or made a misstep
Children interpret what they see and what they're told through the mind of child without the benefit of experience or knowledge. As a result they draw conclusions and connections that don't really exist. We have to help them draw accurate connections between what we say and what we do and thereby teach them healthy ways of relating to the world around them. A co-worker recently went to a movie with friends one night. Meanwhile, her 6 year old son left a message on her phone that she was "neglecting" him.
A 6 year old is not neglected because his mom has healthy social life, but he might feel neglected. A child from a stable family might feel neglected, but know in reality that he is not. Trust has been developed. But a child from an unstable family who has experienced more mistrust than trust, truly might believe a parent is neglectful. It's our duty as parents to help a child understand healthy interactions and explain that it is important for people to have family and friends and multiple support systems. It is also important for people to take care of themselves and do safe things that they enjoy. And in reality it can be difficult to share people we love, but one way we love them is through sharing them.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Be Careful Little Mouths What You Speak
While sitting in the airport waiting for a delayed flight, I overheard a very loud exposition on people with mental illness. The speaker, a fellow traveler, was marveling a group of young listeners with her experiences as a prison nurse and the appalling criminals she had met. The oration included such radical statements as "all their heads should be cut off" and "people with personality disorders do not have a chemical imbalance like people with mental illness; they're sociopaths; they have a choice to do what they do." I must address this situation because unknowingly this woman was impacting public stigma towards people with mental illness, a stigma that does not need help in the realm of negative impressions.
Kids in foster care are in the same position. They do not need our help to look bad in the public eye, nor do they need our help to look pitiful or feel shameful or guilty. Foster kids are often dealing with mental illness (depression, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, disruptive behavior, reactive attachment disorder) on top of having suffered neglect, abuse, and removal from the only family they have ever known. Kids deal with big adult issues the only way they know how, and often this means reverting to the coping mechanisms they've learned from they're environment, coping mechanisms that allow for survival not necessarily for social norms. Successful coping mechanisms may include stealing, fighting, drinking and drugging, sexually inappropriate behaviors, hoarding food. The list goes on and on.
To many people these behaviors are quickly interpreted with moral judgments (ranging from our dear traveler's "they're sociopaths and their heads need to be cut off" to the more common this child is "lazy", "rebellious", "ungrateful", or "a tramp"). Our job, as foster care workers and foster parents, is not to fall into this trap of placing value judgments on behaviors. It is our job to see past the behaviors and help the child identify the feelings that cause them. We must be extremely sensitive to our words, our offhand comments both in our home and in public. More importantly we must guard our hearts for "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 23:7). We influence our community's perception of the children we have in our care. How we talk about them in public or to our spouses impacts the hurdles they meet in the community. We cannot help those whom we pity or objectify with our judgments.
I would like to take this moment to say that we all have a choice to do what we do, but we make those choices based on our perceived reality. This perceived reality varies from person to person. Your reality is based on chemical influences (internal or external), cultural backgrounds, and family grooming, personal experiences and what they've taught you to believe. Someone with paranoid schizophrenia may experience a reality in which people are constantly spying on them which will result in some very out of the ordinary behaviors. Children who believe that they are worthless and cannot get attention any other way may resort to sexual exploits that are unsafe or far beyond their age level. We all have our own struggles and our own personal realities that we respond to, whether that is believing you are fat or ugly or unlovable, whether it is believing you will be denied what you want, or cheated out of what you work hard for, or rejected when you reach out. We behave in response to the things we have been taught and the things that we believe about ourselves.
For ourselves, for each other, and for our children we need to speak and believe a higher Truth. A truth that says we are capable, lovable, responsible, and worthwhile; a Truth that is not based on our behaviors, but on how we were created. We are created Good.
Kids in foster care are in the same position. They do not need our help to look bad in the public eye, nor do they need our help to look pitiful or feel shameful or guilty. Foster kids are often dealing with mental illness (depression, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, disruptive behavior, reactive attachment disorder) on top of having suffered neglect, abuse, and removal from the only family they have ever known. Kids deal with big adult issues the only way they know how, and often this means reverting to the coping mechanisms they've learned from they're environment, coping mechanisms that allow for survival not necessarily for social norms. Successful coping mechanisms may include stealing, fighting, drinking and drugging, sexually inappropriate behaviors, hoarding food. The list goes on and on.
To many people these behaviors are quickly interpreted with moral judgments (ranging from our dear traveler's "they're sociopaths and their heads need to be cut off" to the more common this child is "lazy", "rebellious", "ungrateful", or "a tramp"). Our job, as foster care workers and foster parents, is not to fall into this trap of placing value judgments on behaviors. It is our job to see past the behaviors and help the child identify the feelings that cause them. We must be extremely sensitive to our words, our offhand comments both in our home and in public. More importantly we must guard our hearts for "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 23:7). We influence our community's perception of the children we have in our care. How we talk about them in public or to our spouses impacts the hurdles they meet in the community. We cannot help those whom we pity or objectify with our judgments.
I would like to take this moment to say that we all have a choice to do what we do, but we make those choices based on our perceived reality. This perceived reality varies from person to person. Your reality is based on chemical influences (internal or external), cultural backgrounds, and family grooming, personal experiences and what they've taught you to believe. Someone with paranoid schizophrenia may experience a reality in which people are constantly spying on them which will result in some very out of the ordinary behaviors. Children who believe that they are worthless and cannot get attention any other way may resort to sexual exploits that are unsafe or far beyond their age level. We all have our own struggles and our own personal realities that we respond to, whether that is believing you are fat or ugly or unlovable, whether it is believing you will be denied what you want, or cheated out of what you work hard for, or rejected when you reach out. We behave in response to the things we have been taught and the things that we believe about ourselves.
For ourselves, for each other, and for our children we need to speak and believe a higher Truth. A truth that says we are capable, lovable, responsible, and worthwhile; a Truth that is not based on our behaviors, but on how we were created. We are created Good.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Hyper-Active Intervention
A foster parent came to me with a question, "My child is hyper active to the point the dog is nervous to be around her. Any suggestions?". The dog used to go to sleep in the car; after being around this 11 year old girl the dog urinates in the car, won't sit down, and begs to get out. The child talks endlessly, jumps out to scare the parent when he gets home from work, startles when approached from behind, can't settle down once she gets wound up. All this activity without any reprieve and the parent is going to get burnt out. With holiday activities in full gear and additional family members in the home, some members whom the child has never met before, anxiety and hyperactivity are only increasing.
I have more questions than suggestions. Does the child have the ability to control herself? Often times medications physically effect a child, beyond her control. What has happened recently that might have influenced her behavior? Changes can include medication, people she comes in contact with, family visits, change in legal status, situations at school, change in season, or simply the end of a honeymoon period. Does the child realize that her behavior is hyperactive? The child may or may not recognize her behavior as out of the ordinary or problematic. And even if she does recognize that she is "hyper", she may not be able to identify in concrete terms what "hyper" means.
Three cheers for this foster parent! First, this dad preserved the safety of his home for everyone, including the animals. He put limits on time with family pets. Therapeutic Foster Homes need to put safety first. Ensuring a safe environment allows for children to trust. If dad had not protected the animals, then how does the child know who in the home falls within dad's protective bounds. Second, both dad and mom provided opportunities for the child to play, go outside, draw, do pottery, talk and sing to herself (what child doesn't love an opportunity to be their own rock star!). The family bakes, does crafts, and puts on puppet shows together. What a rich opportunity for this child to be active and creative after sitting still and being quiet at school all day.
However, all the activities do not negate the need for learning the appropriate times for such heightened activity and the appropriate times for calm. Often times children do not make the connection between their feelings and their behaviors. As emotional teachers, parents need to facilitate children making those connections for themselves. I'm all the time helping my own children make the connection between their grumpy, whiny tantrums and their recent sugar consumption. My hope is that as they grow older they will be able to take care of themselves and make healthy decisions. I also hope that they will be aware enough of their own body to put precautions into place when needed. I suppose this is the 3 year old's equivalent of appointing a designated driver when attending a party where alcohol is being served.
We have to teach children emotional intelligence; teach them how to pay attention to their bodies and feelings, understand how those feelings impact their behavior, recognize how that behavior impacts themselves and others, and then know how to alter their behavior and make safe decisions.
The first step is to engage that child in a conversation. The child is the clue to the interventions that will work for her. Always use the sandwich model for these conversations: remember positive-what needs to change-positive. ("Honey, I'm really proud of you for staying calm and focused at school."- "Let's talk about how you might be able to do that at home a little more."- "You are an amazing kid to help me figure all this out. Thank you so much.")
1) Explore the problem and desired behaviors. Lead the child in a brainstorming session about what hyper looks like: what does she feel when she's hyper, what does she do when she's hyper, how do those behaviors impact her and other people? What does calm look like: what does she feel when she's calm, what helps her feel calm, what can others do to help her be calm?
2) Define Expectations. Children need to know they can trust someone else to be in charge. They also need to concretely know what we expect. ("Listen to me" is not a clear instruction. Define "Listen", what does "listen" look like. Listen means to close your mouth, look at my eyes, hear what I am saying, then be able to repeat it back to me.) Discuss important times to be calm: school, meal times, bed time, church. Discuss times when it's okay to be hyper and what levels of hyper are okay: recess, after school, running outside, screaming outside, etc.
3) Make a game. Come up with a way that together you and the child can help her achieve success. Help her start connecting her feelings and behaviors. Is there a secret signal you can give when her hyperactivity is starting to increase? Think baseball. Can you pull your ear or scratch your nose to signal her to use some of her calming skills?
4) Reward. What does the child like? What does she think she deserves if she's able to accomplish the task at hand? How is she going to earn that reward? Maybe she gets a sticker every time she is able to calm down 5 minutes after you flash the secret signal. If she gets 4 stickers in a week, maybe she earns a magazine or a trip to roller rink or a special outing with dad. Figure out what works and use it to REINFORCE positive behaviors.
Remember a lot of adults do not have the emotional intelligence to make safe decisions. Don't expect your child to be perfect. Catch her using her skills and reward her. Do this again, and again, and again, and again.
I have more questions than suggestions. Does the child have the ability to control herself? Often times medications physically effect a child, beyond her control. What has happened recently that might have influenced her behavior? Changes can include medication, people she comes in contact with, family visits, change in legal status, situations at school, change in season, or simply the end of a honeymoon period. Does the child realize that her behavior is hyperactive? The child may or may not recognize her behavior as out of the ordinary or problematic. And even if she does recognize that she is "hyper", she may not be able to identify in concrete terms what "hyper" means.
Three cheers for this foster parent! First, this dad preserved the safety of his home for everyone, including the animals. He put limits on time with family pets. Therapeutic Foster Homes need to put safety first. Ensuring a safe environment allows for children to trust. If dad had not protected the animals, then how does the child know who in the home falls within dad's protective bounds. Second, both dad and mom provided opportunities for the child to play, go outside, draw, do pottery, talk and sing to herself (what child doesn't love an opportunity to be their own rock star!). The family bakes, does crafts, and puts on puppet shows together. What a rich opportunity for this child to be active and creative after sitting still and being quiet at school all day.
However, all the activities do not negate the need for learning the appropriate times for such heightened activity and the appropriate times for calm. Often times children do not make the connection between their feelings and their behaviors. As emotional teachers, parents need to facilitate children making those connections for themselves. I'm all the time helping my own children make the connection between their grumpy, whiny tantrums and their recent sugar consumption. My hope is that as they grow older they will be able to take care of themselves and make healthy decisions. I also hope that they will be aware enough of their own body to put precautions into place when needed. I suppose this is the 3 year old's equivalent of appointing a designated driver when attending a party where alcohol is being served.
We have to teach children emotional intelligence; teach them how to pay attention to their bodies and feelings, understand how those feelings impact their behavior, recognize how that behavior impacts themselves and others, and then know how to alter their behavior and make safe decisions.
The first step is to engage that child in a conversation. The child is the clue to the interventions that will work for her. Always use the sandwich model for these conversations: remember positive-what needs to change-positive. ("Honey, I'm really proud of you for staying calm and focused at school."- "Let's talk about how you might be able to do that at home a little more."- "You are an amazing kid to help me figure all this out. Thank you so much.")
1) Explore the problem and desired behaviors. Lead the child in a brainstorming session about what hyper looks like: what does she feel when she's hyper, what does she do when she's hyper, how do those behaviors impact her and other people? What does calm look like: what does she feel when she's calm, what helps her feel calm, what can others do to help her be calm?
2) Define Expectations. Children need to know they can trust someone else to be in charge. They also need to concretely know what we expect. ("Listen to me" is not a clear instruction. Define "Listen", what does "listen" look like. Listen means to close your mouth, look at my eyes, hear what I am saying, then be able to repeat it back to me.) Discuss important times to be calm: school, meal times, bed time, church. Discuss times when it's okay to be hyper and what levels of hyper are okay: recess, after school, running outside, screaming outside, etc.
3) Make a game. Come up with a way that together you and the child can help her achieve success. Help her start connecting her feelings and behaviors. Is there a secret signal you can give when her hyperactivity is starting to increase? Think baseball. Can you pull your ear or scratch your nose to signal her to use some of her calming skills?
4) Reward. What does the child like? What does she think she deserves if she's able to accomplish the task at hand? How is she going to earn that reward? Maybe she gets a sticker every time she is able to calm down 5 minutes after you flash the secret signal. If she gets 4 stickers in a week, maybe she earns a magazine or a trip to roller rink or a special outing with dad. Figure out what works and use it to REINFORCE positive behaviors.
Remember a lot of adults do not have the emotional intelligence to make safe decisions. Don't expect your child to be perfect. Catch her using her skills and reward her. Do this again, and again, and again, and again.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Song of Solomon
In Song of Solomon, Toni Morrison's character Pilate recalls an unsual incident from her past. Pilate, employed as a housekeeper, is washing dishes when her employer enters the house. The man is shaking and frightened, convinced he is standing on the edge of a cliff. Standing in the middle of the kitchen, the man is terrified that he is about to fall off the edge of the cliff and plummet to his death. Pilate, in an act of creative wisdom, walks behind her employer and grabs him around his waist to prevent his falling. Pilate holds the man there in the center of the kitchen, soothing his fear of falling off the cliff. While they are standing in this position, the wife enters the house and is immediately suspicious of Pilate's activities with her husband. Pilate explains that she is keeping him from falling off a cliff. The wife demands Pilate release her husband. Obedient to her employer, Pilate let's go and the man immediately falls face down on the floor dead.
The symbolism of Pilate's intervention parallels to the way foster parents use their creative wisdom to help children. Children come into foster care in crisis, experiencing trauma from varying types of abuse and neglect. The trauma is often so severe that a smell, a fabric pattern, a room, a tone of voice, can trigger a child back to the circumstances of their abuse. To the outside observer, the child is not experiencing anything abnormal, but in the mind of the child the trauma is happening all over again. The experience is just as real to the child as it was the first time and we have to respond accordingly.
As professional parents, it is critical for foster parents to make their home safe. Just like Pilate, foster parents need to provide safety to a person who is experiencing an unobserved trauma. Safety can be established with appropriate boundaries surrounding routine times, times that to many families are not threatening: bath time, bedtime, travel time in the car. Often, this need for safety must result in parental creativity. What do you do when a child will not sleep in his bed at night? What do you do when a child refuses to take a bath? What do you do when a child hoards food and sneaks food into their room? How do you show a child affection when they refuse to be touched?
Foster parents working together with each other and supervisors generate some of the most creative and sensitive ideas to respond to a child in crisis. One foster parent told a story of a child who refused to sleep in the bed provided for her. No matter what the parent did, the child slept in the closet. The child shared that, when she was at home, her mother kept her safe at night by hiding her in the closet. Instead of forcing the child to sleep in bed, the foster parent made a comfortable pallet in the closet and decorated the walls. The foster parent abandoned her own need to be seen as the perfect parent, with a home where children sleep in beds, for the higher priority of meeting the child's needs to feel safe. The same foster parent was caring for several abused children. Because so much of their abuse had occurred at bath time, the children would not get in the bath tub and would not allow themselves to be touched. Weighing the costs of cleanliness and safety, this foster mother came up with an idea. The solution? Set up a kiddie pool in the kitchen and let the children put on their bathing suits and play in soapy water.
We must engage children in creative responses to their fears and traumas. We must maintain both physical and emotional safety in the home. When we move beyond our natural responses, when we overcome our own pride, when we acknowledge a child's experience as real, when we help them overcome their fear and meet their need for safety, this is creative parenting.
The symbolism of Pilate's intervention parallels to the way foster parents use their creative wisdom to help children. Children come into foster care in crisis, experiencing trauma from varying types of abuse and neglect. The trauma is often so severe that a smell, a fabric pattern, a room, a tone of voice, can trigger a child back to the circumstances of their abuse. To the outside observer, the child is not experiencing anything abnormal, but in the mind of the child the trauma is happening all over again. The experience is just as real to the child as it was the first time and we have to respond accordingly.
As professional parents, it is critical for foster parents to make their home safe. Just like Pilate, foster parents need to provide safety to a person who is experiencing an unobserved trauma. Safety can be established with appropriate boundaries surrounding routine times, times that to many families are not threatening: bath time, bedtime, travel time in the car. Often, this need for safety must result in parental creativity. What do you do when a child will not sleep in his bed at night? What do you do when a child refuses to take a bath? What do you do when a child hoards food and sneaks food into their room? How do you show a child affection when they refuse to be touched?
Foster parents working together with each other and supervisors generate some of the most creative and sensitive ideas to respond to a child in crisis. One foster parent told a story of a child who refused to sleep in the bed provided for her. No matter what the parent did, the child slept in the closet. The child shared that, when she was at home, her mother kept her safe at night by hiding her in the closet. Instead of forcing the child to sleep in bed, the foster parent made a comfortable pallet in the closet and decorated the walls. The foster parent abandoned her own need to be seen as the perfect parent, with a home where children sleep in beds, for the higher priority of meeting the child's needs to feel safe. The same foster parent was caring for several abused children. Because so much of their abuse had occurred at bath time, the children would not get in the bath tub and would not allow themselves to be touched. Weighing the costs of cleanliness and safety, this foster mother came up with an idea. The solution? Set up a kiddie pool in the kitchen and let the children put on their bathing suits and play in soapy water.
We must engage children in creative responses to their fears and traumas. We must maintain both physical and emotional safety in the home. When we move beyond our natural responses, when we overcome our own pride, when we acknowledge a child's experience as real, when we help them overcome their fear and meet their need for safety, this is creative parenting.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)