The Stress of Childhood

                                     “I’m so busy.”   “I don’t have time.”  “I’m so stressed out.”

Unless you make intentional efforts to guard your time, these mantras seem to be the bane of our modern life existence.  We allow stress to follow us wherever we go and, by so doing, allow it to impact our health, our relationships, and our peace of mind. 

Mayo Clinic’s Effects of Stress on Health

Physical Effects	Emotional Effects	Behavioral Effects
Headaches Muscle tension Stomach aches Insomnia High blood pressure Diabetes Obesity	Decreased Productivity Decreased motivation Depression Anxiety Irritability	Over or under eating Anger outbursts Substance Abuse Social Isolation

Without a doubt stress impacts our lives, but do you realize how much stress impacts the lives of our children?   Children are in a crucible of developmental tension.  What seems trivial or like simple play is really a method of learning about the world around them and establishing their own sense of self.  At each developmental stage (Erickson, E.H., Childhood and Society, 1985), the child ultimately chooses between two world views and establishes how they will relate to adjusts to people and society. This is the normal work of a child and can be stressful in and of itself without the added stress imposed on them by adults:

What is normal stress for a child?

• Seeing parents leave and come back (trust vs. mistrust)
• Learning to share and not always getting what they want (initiative vs. guilt)
• Trying something new until they succeed (autonomy vs. shame and doubt)
•  Interacting with new environments (industry vs. inferiority)
• Evaluating belief systems (identity vs. identity diffusion)
• Forming friendships, experiencing loss, comparing and competing with peers
• Standing up for themselves, people they love, and values they believe in

  These issues are tough and ones adults continue to perfect their grasp on throughout a lifetime. Children are accomplishing this huge stressful task of developing their own sense of self and view of the world.  In addition, they must manage the intense stress of divorce, poverty, nutritional depletion, domestic violence, substance abuse, abuse and neglect, internet predators, school shootings, racism, and more.  Children are onslaught with adult issues without the maturity necessary to process or cope in a healthy way.

All this to say, children are doing critical and difficult emotional work on a daily basis.  They need adults to help them manage this stress instead of adding to it.  As adults, it is our job to:

1. Care for yourself (alone time, date nights, time with friends,  doing something you enjoy, explore your spirituality) 
2. Take responsibility for the adult issues in your life (Don’t blame others, Don’t rely on your child as a confidante)
3. Teach and demonstrate healthy coping mechanisms (positive ways of dealing with negative emotions)
4.  Explain why things happen (link cause and effect and avoid your child seeing themselves as the cause)
5.  Listen to your child without judgment or comment (don’t interrupt!)
6. Establish routines that your child can depend on (meals, bed times, etc)
7. Limit extracurricular  activities
8. Prepare healthy meals and snacks
9. Plan family activities
10. Exercise

 “Appreciating each other is a true family value, one that will bail out much of the stress on the planet and help strengthen the universal bond all people have.” – Sara Paddison

Pow-Pow- Power Wheels

Robert is a 5 year old boy who arose early before his parents.  Deciding he wanted to go visit his grandmother three miles down the road, Robert climbed into his little power wheel jeep and started the three mile trip down the 4 lane road.  A woman saw him out her window and called the police.  When the police pulled the little man over, Robert refused to provide any information except for his first name.  "I'm not supposed to talk to strangers," he curtly told the officer.  Luckily, mom had since woken up and realizing her little boy was gone, called 911.  The family was alerted to Robert's whereabouts and the precocious 5 year old was safely returned home.  True story.

This anecdote strikes many chords: funny and scary all at the same time.  However, there is an additional piece to the story.  The child already had behavior issues that had been permitted to slide due to parental guilt and, according to the mother, already had a fear of police.  So, beyond a jaded awareness of "stranger danger", why might Robert's unyielding to the police be cause for concern?

Our social structure works on a basic communal understanding of healthy limits, right and wrong, rewards and consequences.  The premise of functioning adequately is acknowledging and working within this understanding.  We want to encourage the uniqueness in each person, celebrate freedoms, and inspire creativity.  At the same time, we want each individual to be respectful, conscientious, and safe.  Freedom and respect hang in a tense balance that frames our lives.

Children who enter into foster care often experience mistrust of authority which is then transferred to healthy authority.  Children have experienced abuse and neglect at the very hands of those entrusted with their care.  At a very early age, they have learned that those in authority are not just or safe in their responsibility.  Luckily, children are smart and adaptable; they alter their behavior to protect themselves and get their needs met.  Unfortunately, this independence lacks the maturity and insight of an adult perspective, potentially leading to dangerous circumstances.  A child may not disclose information appearing "secretive", he may engage in drug use appearing "delinquent", she may make overt sexual provocations appearing "loose".  Adults may interpret this immature or troublesome behavior as rebellion or punishable behavior, but really the behavior is a finely tuned way for the child to get what they need (control, security, acceptance, attention).  Since children have learned not to depend on others to get their needs met, children take it into their own hands.

For foster parents, remember that a child's ability to get their needs met is a strength.  The child is creative, adaptable, and resourceful.  Be warned, the child will not quickly trust you, nor will they quickly stop using the methods that have thus far worked for them.  Inter-dependence is hard to learn after you've established that you are the only one you can trust.  

• The best thing you can do is be supportive and patient.  
• Be an example of appropriate behavior and narrate what you do, how you do it, and why you do it. 
• Ask open ended questions that help the child discover why he or she makes certain decisions.
• Help a child paint a picture of what he or she wants in life
• Demonstrate that you are on the child's team by advocating for what is in his or her best interest
• Establish rewards and consequences that communicate that an adult is taking charge and watching out for the child

Don't stop believing in the possibility of change.  The longest and hardest part of change is coming to the realization and conviction that one needs the change.  Notice and affirm the small successes- being caught with the drugs, but choosing not to use them is a success.  It means you are doing something right!  Foster parents are deconstructing well built walls one stone at a time.

Just a Child

Sitting down with some very experienced foster parents for the first time, they told me "we do foster care differently from most people."  When I asked them to explain, they said "most therapeutic kids have to earn things to go in their rooms; we don't do that.  When a foster child walks in our doors the "foster" is dropped; they are just a child."

These parents are right.  Though a child may require therapeutic level boundaries and interventions, she still deserves a childhood.  The child still deserves fun comforters and music to listen to, stuffed animals on their bed and toys in their room, goofy socks and hair barrettes.  A child should not have to earn the right to be a child.  Though she may need to earn certain privileges, she should not have to earn a family's affection or a comfortable environment.  Children will meet the challenge of both the environment and the expectations of others.  The nicer and more respectful the environment, the more children will respond with care.

How do you create a comfortable and respectful environment?  Stay away from sterile.  Though therapeutic, you are a home not a hospital.  Many children, even older children, who have experienced abuse wet the bed at night.  So find a mattress cover that is not plastic or that doesn't crinkle when someone rolls over. Use colors to brighten or calm the environment.  Accent with rugs, curtains, pillows.  Provide dressers and shelves and closet storage that encourage organization.  Give the child a home tour when they first come, state the rules of the home and post them in visible place.  It may seem trite or insulting to state simple rules like knocking on doors before entering or dressing behind closed doors or talk about emotions instead of hitting.  But those rules, as simple as they seem, are not universal.  Stating and posting rules will let the child know the expectations up front and will teach communication and respect.

Create a special, safe place that a child wants to be.

Big Person in a Little Body

"Life Unexpected" was a TV drama over the last few years that detailed the life and family drama of a 15 year old girl reunified with her parents after a childhood spent in the foster care system.  Amid the drama and crazy relationships of soap opera proportions, there are beautiful nuggets of truth and redemption that keep one coming back to the screen.  Recently, I watched an episode in which Luxe, the main character, has a conversation with a high school English teacher.  Luxe is frustrated and hurt by the juvenile and mean spirited antics of some classmates and bemoaning the fact that she doesn't fit it.  The teacher points out to Luxe that the other kids are just trying to be grown ups, whereas Luxe is a grown up just trying to be a kid.

This is true for most of our kids in foster care.  How many times have we remarked that these little kids are dealing with adult issues?  This makes the job of parenting sticky, complicated.  Often, children in foster care have been there own parent, they've been the ones responsible for feeding their families, for protecting their siblings, for nursing their parents, for deciphering what it means to be loved.  After so much responsibility, it's a struggle to be told what to do, an insult to the overdeveloped independent spirit, a threat to take something away when so much else has already been lost.

Children do need boundaries and they do need parents.  Developmentally they are not equipped to handle adult situations or adult emotions, but they do because they are adaptable and creative.  Children are survivalists.  However, all this time spent doing adult things they miss out on the stages of childhood development and never learn how to do child things.  As teachers, we have to gently, respectfully, and creatively teach them how to be children again.  And we must start at the very beginning, the foundation of development, Trust versus Mistrust.

Teach the child in your home that she can trust you.  Do not say, "You can trust me."  It is likely she has heard these words many times before and they were not true.  You must teach the child in your home that she can trust you through your actions.  In every small way, earn trust.  This means lots of different things, but do not be deceived into thinking that years of reinforcement of mistrust will be wiped away by a few weeks in your home or because you know that your home and your family are trust worthy.  You must prove that you can be trusted, again and again and again.

Here are some simple ways to SHOW that you are trustworthy:

1) Be where you said you would be, when you said you would be there
2) Keep your voice within normal levels, avoid any yelling
3) Serve 3 meals a day at regular times
4) Post your rules and consequences in your home and give the child a copy
5) Follow through with consequences consistently
6) Follow your own rules
7) Speak positively of the child both in the home and in public
8) Ask permission before you touch the child or enter her room
9) Explain what you are doing and why you are doing it
10) Apologize when you have hurt feelings or made a misstep

Children interpret what they see and what they're told through the mind of child without the benefit of experience or knowledge.  As a result they draw conclusions and connections that don't really exist.  We have to help them draw accurate connections between what we say and what we do and thereby teach them healthy ways of relating to the world around them.  A co-worker recently went to a movie with friends one night.  Meanwhile, her 6 year old son left a message on her phone that she was "neglecting" him.

A 6 year old is not neglected because his mom has healthy social life, but he might feel neglected.  A child from a stable family might feel neglected, but know in reality that he is not.  Trust has been developed.  But a child from an unstable family who has experienced more mistrust than trust, truly might believe a parent is neglectful.  It's our duty as parents to help a child understand healthy interactions and explain that  it is important for people to have family and friends and multiple support systems.  It is also important for people to take care of themselves and do safe things that they enjoy. And in reality it can be difficult to share people we love, but one way we love them is through sharing them.