A Community Look at Foster Care

This past Saturday, the Waynesville Library, Appalachian Community Services, and Haywood Bound hosted an exciting opportunity to learn more about foster care in our area and the huge need for foster parents.  At last count, Haywood County DSS had custody of 98 children.  60% of those children are placed in local Haywood County homes.  However, 40% of those children are in homes outside of the county, away from family, friends, and community.  Over the last 6 months, in recognition of how important it is for children to stay a part of their community, DSS director Ira Dove has made a distinct effort to recruit foster families through collaboration of DSS and private foster care agencies.  This collaboration has come to be known as Haywood Bound.

As a part of the effort to recruit foster parents, Mr. Dove and several other community leaders came together for a panel event on foster care.  These community leaders included Dr. Steve Wall from Haywood Pediatrics, Tara Keilberg, director of Kids Advocacy Resource Effort (KARE), Scott MacGregor, a Family Life Educator and soon to be graduate of Western with a Masters in Clinical Mental Health with a focus on forgiveness, and Pablo and Maria Averza, therapeutic foster parents since 2006.  The panel was preceded by a dynamically honest dramatic interpretation by local actress Barbara Bates Smith of NC author Kaye Gibbon’s novel Ellen Foster.  Ellen Foster tells the story of a little girl, Ellen, and her journey out of an abusive past and into a foster home that Ellen sees as her sanctuary, “somewhere friendly” and where “nothing new bad has happened to me since I got here.”

The panelists used Barabara’s performance as a backdrop to talk about the issues of foster care in Haywood County.  In 2010, 479 children in Western North Carolina were placed in legal custody of DSS.  8,826 children were in foster care statewide, with only 7, 684 licensed foster homes.   Children have been taken out of their homes for reasons of abuse and neglect and placed in relatives’ homes, therapeutic and family foster homes, group homes, etc.  Dr. Wall shared his experiences of how he has seen foster parents make a huge impact on children’s medical stability and ability to socially interact.  A foster parent needs nothing more than patience and an ability to establish healthy boundaries.  For the things a parent doesn’t know, there is a whole team involved to assist both the child and the foster parents.  Ms. Keilberg shared how KARE provides support for foster parents and birth parents through parenting classes and advocacy work.  Truly, though a family is doing the work with a child day in and day out, foster parents are not alone.  Parents are provided appropriate training, regular supervision, and access to services to help support the child.

Mr. MacGregor explained the researched benefits of forgiveness and helped to define what forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not.  Forgiveness is  not excusing the pain that was done, it is releasing the "right to revenge" and recognizing that every person is deserving of respect because they are created human.  Mr. MacGregor discussed how one can practice forgiveness, exercising by forgiving daily the little things (like someone cutting you off in traffic) so that you become strong enough to forgive the big things (like abuse or neglect).  Forgiveness has been medically demonstrated to improve the healing capacity of the body and mind.  Mr. and Mrs.  Averza echoed this sentiment, recognizing that it can be difficult to team together with struggling families.  However, the long time foster parents recognized the need for a child to have contact with their family and know that their parent is safe.  And, though attaching to a child and seeing that child leave again is difficult, the greater reward is modeling healthy relationships for that child and taking responsibility for and acting on a great need in the community.

The need for foster parents in Haywood County is an obtainable goal with the support of the community.  Haywood County needs 20 new foster parents in order to keep all of the children in their communities.  Look for Ellen Foster and Friends: A Look at Foster Care on your local Haywood County Television Channel.

 

"Boxing is the Love of My Life"

This summer something historic is happening.  For the first time women will compete in Olympic boxing.  Trying out for the team is Tyrieshia Douglas.  Tyrieshia grew up in foster care and is now in the running to be a world champion.  She and her four siblings grew up in separate foster homes after being removed from their own home due to parental drug abuse.  Tyrieshia first became interested in boxing after seeing her brother's box at the gym, amazed that they got to "beat up people for free."   When she asked to box, Tyrieshia was adamantly told "no" because she was a girl.  Eventually, at the recommendation of a juvenile court judge after she was arrested for fighting, Tyrieshia did start boxing and, at number 2 in the country for her weight division, has a chance to make history.

Tyrieshia's coach is like a father figure in her life; he has supported her in doing what everyone else thought was crazy and unfeminine.  Now at 23 years old, Tyrieshia is reunited with family, living with one of her brothers and on speaking terms with her mother.  Family never stops being family, but other mentors are priceless.  Without them, children may never get a chance to accomplish their dreams.  One foster family I've worked with did something similar for a little 11 year old girl.  They offered her every extracurricular activity in the book: gymnastics, ballet, cheer-leading.  The child's request?  Football.  The family, a two female home, were surprised but encouraging.  They decided that if football is what she wanted to do, then they would support her in that endeavor.  This tall, thin, blond, delightful girl became one of the best players on the team- nose guard, in fact.

"If you are strong enough to stand up against all the odds that you face, there is something within you that is special," says Christy Halbert, international women's boxing coach.  As parents, we often try to make our child fit within social boundaries.  This includes making them color in the lines, paint trees green instead of purple, girls cheer, boys play sports, sit down and stay still, don't talk, clean your plate without attention to how your body actually feels.  As tempting as it may be, do not slip into this trap.  See that something special in the child that is in your home, encourage them and help them to be "strong enough to stand up against all odds," you never know what they will become.  Our role as parents is to nurture the child's self-identity, build their confidence in who they are and their ability to make decisions, be creative, be self-aware and follow their dreams.  Anything less is bred from a spirit control.

Children who come into foster care are often so emotionally beat down that they have no positive opinion of themselves and no trust in their own thoughts or feelings.  They feel worthless.  One beautiful 14 year old girl I work with just recently stated, "nobody likes me, nobody cares."  She needs nurturers that will build self-worth into her.  She needs to see that people care and that people like her even if she doesn't believe it.  A foster parent has to teach a child how to pay attention to their feelings; often a foster parent must reteach the meaning of words and experiences- what is safe? what is love? what is satisfaction?

How does a parent walk a child from feeling totally worthless to feeling confident in themselves?  How do you do it for a 2 year old?  You squeal and rave over every little squiggle they make on a piece of paper.  You delight in the mud pie they serve you in the sandbox.  You react to them with the same amount of enjoyment/disappointment that they demonstrate.  This same principle applies whether you are 2 or 10 or 16 or 25.  We want people to respond with empathy, we want to know that we count for something.  We want to know that we matter.  The more a child believes in her own worth, the more she begins to respect herself.  The more she respects herself, the more she is able to respect other people. Self-worth and respect will help her to make safer decisions, to protect herself from inappropriate sexual behavior, to restrain herself when tempted to act out or not do anything.

"If you can get hit and hit a person back, you have to have heart. You might get hurt. That's heart to me"- Tyrieshia Douglas.  Kids get hurt all the time, they get hit in so many ways, but they stay in the fight.  Especially when they have a supportive team behind them.  That's heart.  The 11 year old nose guard went on to be adopted by a family member who will not let her play football.  She may not play football anymore, but she learned some valuable lessons that she will carry with her.  She learned her own strength.  She learned that people care.  She learned that she can accomplish what she sets her mind to do.  And she still visits her foster parents.

www.npr.org/2012/02/06/146482663/as-olympic-trials-near-womens-boxing-heats-up