The Stress of Childhood

                                     “I’m so busy.”   “I don’t have time.”  “I’m so stressed out.”

Unless you make intentional efforts to guard your time, these mantras seem to be the bane of our modern life existence.  We allow stress to follow us wherever we go and, by so doing, allow it to impact our health, our relationships, and our peace of mind. 

Mayo Clinic’s Effects of Stress on Health

Physical Effects	Emotional Effects	Behavioral Effects
Headaches Muscle tension Stomach aches Insomnia High blood pressure Diabetes Obesity	Decreased Productivity Decreased motivation Depression Anxiety Irritability	Over or under eating Anger outbursts Substance Abuse Social Isolation

Without a doubt stress impacts our lives, but do you realize how much stress impacts the lives of our children?   Children are in a crucible of developmental tension.  What seems trivial or like simple play is really a method of learning about the world around them and establishing their own sense of self.  At each developmental stage (Erickson, E.H., Childhood and Society, 1985), the child ultimately chooses between two world views and establishes how they will relate to adjusts to people and society. This is the normal work of a child and can be stressful in and of itself without the added stress imposed on them by adults:

What is normal stress for a child?

• Seeing parents leave and come back (trust vs. mistrust)
• Learning to share and not always getting what they want (initiative vs. guilt)
• Trying something new until they succeed (autonomy vs. shame and doubt)
•  Interacting with new environments (industry vs. inferiority)
• Evaluating belief systems (identity vs. identity diffusion)
• Forming friendships, experiencing loss, comparing and competing with peers
• Standing up for themselves, people they love, and values they believe in

  These issues are tough and ones adults continue to perfect their grasp on throughout a lifetime. Children are accomplishing this huge stressful task of developing their own sense of self and view of the world.  In addition, they must manage the intense stress of divorce, poverty, nutritional depletion, domestic violence, substance abuse, abuse and neglect, internet predators, school shootings, racism, and more.  Children are onslaught with adult issues without the maturity necessary to process or cope in a healthy way.

All this to say, children are doing critical and difficult emotional work on a daily basis.  They need adults to help them manage this stress instead of adding to it.  As adults, it is our job to:

1. Care for yourself (alone time, date nights, time with friends,  doing something you enjoy, explore your spirituality) 
2. Take responsibility for the adult issues in your life (Don’t blame others, Don’t rely on your child as a confidante)
3. Teach and demonstrate healthy coping mechanisms (positive ways of dealing with negative emotions)
4.  Explain why things happen (link cause and effect and avoid your child seeing themselves as the cause)
5.  Listen to your child without judgment or comment (don’t interrupt!)
6. Establish routines that your child can depend on (meals, bed times, etc)
7. Limit extracurricular  activities
8. Prepare healthy meals and snacks
9. Plan family activities
10. Exercise

 “Appreciating each other is a true family value, one that will bail out much of the stress on the planet and help strengthen the universal bond all people have.” – Sara Paddison

The GIFT

Two weekends ago, I attended a Marriage Encounter with my husband.  The presenters, Dr. Tom and Beverly Rodgers, have been married for 34 years and co-directors of a private Christian counseling practice for 30 years (http://soulhealinglove.com/).  At the event, the Rodgers taught what they describe as a "God inspired" technique for working through anger.

Anger  is a secondary emotion, the tip of the iceberg, the emotional method used to express another, primary emotion.  Ultimately, the root of this primary emotion is what needs to be addressed.  Once the root of this primary emotion is addressed then an individual can begin to alter their responses to emotional triggers.  

Most children, especially in foster care, are hurt at some point in their childhood.  This hurt often expresses itself in anger, both rational and irrational.  Children in foster care often struggle with outrageous anger and outbursts, usually evidenced in children much younger.  One 16 year old recently told me "I act like a two year old" when she gets mad.  Most recently, when the foster parent offered another egg with breakfast, the 16 year old threw the egg back at the foster parent, raised her voice, and ultimately ended  up kicking and screaming on the floor.  Afterward the child looks back and sees the ridiculousness of the moment, but in recalling the foster parent offering her the extra egg, she still gets angry.

I was able to teach this 16 year old the Rodgers' technique and use of the acronym GIFT, telling the youth that when she becomes angry to grab her thumb.  Grabbing her thumb is a "grounding technique" that allows her to be a little more rational in the heat of the moment.  Holding her thumb helps her to be more oriented to person, place, and time.  She becomes more aware of herself and her thumb is a reminder of what comes next.  At this point, the child has the chance to identify what happened that made her angry, "The Trigger".  Then she needs to try to verbalize what she really feels:

• Guilty?
• Inadequate/unworthy?
• Fearful?
• Trauma/ past hurt that this circumstance reminds you of?

These four feelings are primary emotions.  Acknowledging the real emotion diffuses the anger episode and allows the child to be honest with herself.  Being honest with herself and others allows her to begin to create real relationships.  These are relationships in which honesty, forgiveness, healing, and growth can occur.  Recognize and own the real emotion, then look at the root of when that emotion began.  We all experience hurts, some more traumatic than others.  When those hurts occur, we begin to believe a lie about ourselves.  This 16 year old, through neglect, came to believe "no one cares about me."  This refrain runs through her head, day in and day out.  When someone doesn't hear her say she does not want another egg and offers it to her anyway, she is transformed into that little neglected girl that no one paid attention to or stood up for.  And she responds the exact same way that little girl would, by kicking and screaming and throwing a fit for attention, to prove that somebody cared.

So the next time you get irrationally angry, stop and think. . .What am I really feeling?

Pow-Pow- Power Wheels

Robert is a 5 year old boy who arose early before his parents.  Deciding he wanted to go visit his grandmother three miles down the road, Robert climbed into his little power wheel jeep and started the three mile trip down the 4 lane road.  A woman saw him out her window and called the police.  When the police pulled the little man over, Robert refused to provide any information except for his first name.  "I'm not supposed to talk to strangers," he curtly told the officer.  Luckily, mom had since woken up and realizing her little boy was gone, called 911.  The family was alerted to Robert's whereabouts and the precocious 5 year old was safely returned home.  True story.

This anecdote strikes many chords: funny and scary all at the same time.  However, there is an additional piece to the story.  The child already had behavior issues that had been permitted to slide due to parental guilt and, according to the mother, already had a fear of police.  So, beyond a jaded awareness of "stranger danger", why might Robert's unyielding to the police be cause for concern?

Our social structure works on a basic communal understanding of healthy limits, right and wrong, rewards and consequences.  The premise of functioning adequately is acknowledging and working within this understanding.  We want to encourage the uniqueness in each person, celebrate freedoms, and inspire creativity.  At the same time, we want each individual to be respectful, conscientious, and safe.  Freedom and respect hang in a tense balance that frames our lives.

Children who enter into foster care often experience mistrust of authority which is then transferred to healthy authority.  Children have experienced abuse and neglect at the very hands of those entrusted with their care.  At a very early age, they have learned that those in authority are not just or safe in their responsibility.  Luckily, children are smart and adaptable; they alter their behavior to protect themselves and get their needs met.  Unfortunately, this independence lacks the maturity and insight of an adult perspective, potentially leading to dangerous circumstances.  A child may not disclose information appearing "secretive", he may engage in drug use appearing "delinquent", she may make overt sexual provocations appearing "loose".  Adults may interpret this immature or troublesome behavior as rebellion or punishable behavior, but really the behavior is a finely tuned way for the child to get what they need (control, security, acceptance, attention).  Since children have learned not to depend on others to get their needs met, children take it into their own hands.

For foster parents, remember that a child's ability to get their needs met is a strength.  The child is creative, adaptable, and resourceful.  Be warned, the child will not quickly trust you, nor will they quickly stop using the methods that have thus far worked for them.  Inter-dependence is hard to learn after you've established that you are the only one you can trust.  

• The best thing you can do is be supportive and patient.  
• Be an example of appropriate behavior and narrate what you do, how you do it, and why you do it. 
• Ask open ended questions that help the child discover why he or she makes certain decisions.
• Help a child paint a picture of what he or she wants in life
• Demonstrate that you are on the child's team by advocating for what is in his or her best interest
• Establish rewards and consequences that communicate that an adult is taking charge and watching out for the child

Don't stop believing in the possibility of change.  The longest and hardest part of change is coming to the realization and conviction that one needs the change.  Notice and affirm the small successes- being caught with the drugs, but choosing not to use them is a success.  It means you are doing something right!  Foster parents are deconstructing well built walls one stone at a time.

"Boxing is the Love of My Life"

This summer something historic is happening.  For the first time women will compete in Olympic boxing.  Trying out for the team is Tyrieshia Douglas.  Tyrieshia grew up in foster care and is now in the running to be a world champion.  She and her four siblings grew up in separate foster homes after being removed from their own home due to parental drug abuse.  Tyrieshia first became interested in boxing after seeing her brother's box at the gym, amazed that they got to "beat up people for free."   When she asked to box, Tyrieshia was adamantly told "no" because she was a girl.  Eventually, at the recommendation of a juvenile court judge after she was arrested for fighting, Tyrieshia did start boxing and, at number 2 in the country for her weight division, has a chance to make history.

Tyrieshia's coach is like a father figure in her life; he has supported her in doing what everyone else thought was crazy and unfeminine.  Now at 23 years old, Tyrieshia is reunited with family, living with one of her brothers and on speaking terms with her mother.  Family never stops being family, but other mentors are priceless.  Without them, children may never get a chance to accomplish their dreams.  One foster family I've worked with did something similar for a little 11 year old girl.  They offered her every extracurricular activity in the book: gymnastics, ballet, cheer-leading.  The child's request?  Football.  The family, a two female home, were surprised but encouraging.  They decided that if football is what she wanted to do, then they would support her in that endeavor.  This tall, thin, blond, delightful girl became one of the best players on the team- nose guard, in fact.

"If you are strong enough to stand up against all the odds that you face, there is something within you that is special," says Christy Halbert, international women's boxing coach.  As parents, we often try to make our child fit within social boundaries.  This includes making them color in the lines, paint trees green instead of purple, girls cheer, boys play sports, sit down and stay still, don't talk, clean your plate without attention to how your body actually feels.  As tempting as it may be, do not slip into this trap.  See that something special in the child that is in your home, encourage them and help them to be "strong enough to stand up against all odds," you never know what they will become.  Our role as parents is to nurture the child's self-identity, build their confidence in who they are and their ability to make decisions, be creative, be self-aware and follow their dreams.  Anything less is bred from a spirit control.

Children who come into foster care are often so emotionally beat down that they have no positive opinion of themselves and no trust in their own thoughts or feelings.  They feel worthless.  One beautiful 14 year old girl I work with just recently stated, "nobody likes me, nobody cares."  She needs nurturers that will build self-worth into her.  She needs to see that people care and that people like her even if she doesn't believe it.  A foster parent has to teach a child how to pay attention to their feelings; often a foster parent must reteach the meaning of words and experiences- what is safe? what is love? what is satisfaction?

How does a parent walk a child from feeling totally worthless to feeling confident in themselves?  How do you do it for a 2 year old?  You squeal and rave over every little squiggle they make on a piece of paper.  You delight in the mud pie they serve you in the sandbox.  You react to them with the same amount of enjoyment/disappointment that they demonstrate.  This same principle applies whether you are 2 or 10 or 16 or 25.  We want people to respond with empathy, we want to know that we count for something.  We want to know that we matter.  The more a child believes in her own worth, the more she begins to respect herself.  The more she respects herself, the more she is able to respect other people. Self-worth and respect will help her to make safer decisions, to protect herself from inappropriate sexual behavior, to restrain herself when tempted to act out or not do anything.

"If you can get hit and hit a person back, you have to have heart. You might get hurt. That's heart to me"- Tyrieshia Douglas.  Kids get hurt all the time, they get hit in so many ways, but they stay in the fight.  Especially when they have a supportive team behind them.  That's heart.  The 11 year old nose guard went on to be adopted by a family member who will not let her play football.  She may not play football anymore, but she learned some valuable lessons that she will carry with her.  She learned her own strength.  She learned that people care.  She learned that she can accomplish what she sets her mind to do.  And she still visits her foster parents.

www.npr.org/2012/02/06/146482663/as-olympic-trials-near-womens-boxing-heats-up