The Stress of Childhood

                                     “I’m so busy.”   “I don’t have time.”  “I’m so stressed out.”

Unless you make intentional efforts to guard your time, these mantras seem to be the bane of our modern life existence.  We allow stress to follow us wherever we go and, by so doing, allow it to impact our health, our relationships, and our peace of mind. 

Mayo Clinic’s Effects of Stress on Health

Physical Effects	Emotional Effects	Behavioral Effects
Headaches Muscle tension Stomach aches Insomnia High blood pressure Diabetes Obesity	Decreased Productivity Decreased motivation Depression Anxiety Irritability	Over or under eating Anger outbursts Substance Abuse Social Isolation

Without a doubt stress impacts our lives, but do you realize how much stress impacts the lives of our children?   Children are in a crucible of developmental tension.  What seems trivial or like simple play is really a method of learning about the world around them and establishing their own sense of self.  At each developmental stage (Erickson, E.H., Childhood and Society, 1985), the child ultimately chooses between two world views and establishes how they will relate to adjusts to people and society. This is the normal work of a child and can be stressful in and of itself without the added stress imposed on them by adults:

What is normal stress for a child?

• Seeing parents leave and come back (trust vs. mistrust)
• Learning to share and not always getting what they want (initiative vs. guilt)
• Trying something new until they succeed (autonomy vs. shame and doubt)
•  Interacting with new environments (industry vs. inferiority)
• Evaluating belief systems (identity vs. identity diffusion)
• Forming friendships, experiencing loss, comparing and competing with peers
• Standing up for themselves, people they love, and values they believe in

  These issues are tough and ones adults continue to perfect their grasp on throughout a lifetime. Children are accomplishing this huge stressful task of developing their own sense of self and view of the world.  In addition, they must manage the intense stress of divorce, poverty, nutritional depletion, domestic violence, substance abuse, abuse and neglect, internet predators, school shootings, racism, and more.  Children are onslaught with adult issues without the maturity necessary to process or cope in a healthy way.

All this to say, children are doing critical and difficult emotional work on a daily basis.  They need adults to help them manage this stress instead of adding to it.  As adults, it is our job to:

1. Care for yourself (alone time, date nights, time with friends,  doing something you enjoy, explore your spirituality) 
2. Take responsibility for the adult issues in your life (Don’t blame others, Don’t rely on your child as a confidante)
3. Teach and demonstrate healthy coping mechanisms (positive ways of dealing with negative emotions)
4.  Explain why things happen (link cause and effect and avoid your child seeing themselves as the cause)
5.  Listen to your child without judgment or comment (don’t interrupt!)
6. Establish routines that your child can depend on (meals, bed times, etc)
7. Limit extracurricular  activities
8. Prepare healthy meals and snacks
9. Plan family activities
10. Exercise

 “Appreciating each other is a true family value, one that will bail out much of the stress on the planet and help strengthen the universal bond all people have.” – Sara Paddison

The GIFT

Two weekends ago, I attended a Marriage Encounter with my husband.  The presenters, Dr. Tom and Beverly Rodgers, have been married for 34 years and co-directors of a private Christian counseling practice for 30 years (http://soulhealinglove.com/).  At the event, the Rodgers taught what they describe as a "God inspired" technique for working through anger.

Anger  is a secondary emotion, the tip of the iceberg, the emotional method used to express another, primary emotion.  Ultimately, the root of this primary emotion is what needs to be addressed.  Once the root of this primary emotion is addressed then an individual can begin to alter their responses to emotional triggers.  

Most children, especially in foster care, are hurt at some point in their childhood.  This hurt often expresses itself in anger, both rational and irrational.  Children in foster care often struggle with outrageous anger and outbursts, usually evidenced in children much younger.  One 16 year old recently told me "I act like a two year old" when she gets mad.  Most recently, when the foster parent offered another egg with breakfast, the 16 year old threw the egg back at the foster parent, raised her voice, and ultimately ended  up kicking and screaming on the floor.  Afterward the child looks back and sees the ridiculousness of the moment, but in recalling the foster parent offering her the extra egg, she still gets angry.

I was able to teach this 16 year old the Rodgers' technique and use of the acronym GIFT, telling the youth that when she becomes angry to grab her thumb.  Grabbing her thumb is a "grounding technique" that allows her to be a little more rational in the heat of the moment.  Holding her thumb helps her to be more oriented to person, place, and time.  She becomes more aware of herself and her thumb is a reminder of what comes next.  At this point, the child has the chance to identify what happened that made her angry, "The Trigger".  Then she needs to try to verbalize what she really feels:

• Guilty?
• Inadequate/unworthy?
• Fearful?
• Trauma/ past hurt that this circumstance reminds you of?

These four feelings are primary emotions.  Acknowledging the real emotion diffuses the anger episode and allows the child to be honest with herself.  Being honest with herself and others allows her to begin to create real relationships.  These are relationships in which honesty, forgiveness, healing, and growth can occur.  Recognize and own the real emotion, then look at the root of when that emotion began.  We all experience hurts, some more traumatic than others.  When those hurts occur, we begin to believe a lie about ourselves.  This 16 year old, through neglect, came to believe "no one cares about me."  This refrain runs through her head, day in and day out.  When someone doesn't hear her say she does not want another egg and offers it to her anyway, she is transformed into that little neglected girl that no one paid attention to or stood up for.  And she responds the exact same way that little girl would, by kicking and screaming and throwing a fit for attention, to prove that somebody cared.

So the next time you get irrationally angry, stop and think. . .What am I really feeling?

Knight in Shining Pajamas?

My 3 year old has just been initiated into an age old guild of young boys, Knighthood.  He is a brave knight, the protector of his family, invisible sword in hand, conquering dragons and lions and tigers and whatever other threatening animals dwell in the darkness up the stairs at bed time. His fool proof "armor" are his safari pajamas.   Having developed a general trust in the world and the people in it, established confidence in his own independence and will, he as come to the point at which he must develop initiative versus guilt.  He must develop his sense of purpose, his knowing that he is in this world for a reason and that what he does matters. He must move forward in his life knowing that he can try new things and fail, explore the world both imaginary and real,  and that he will be loved and supported while he does so.

A child in this developmental stage of life needs to be affirmed that he is powerful and capable and that his explorations into the world around him are important.  A child also needs to be taught that his power is his to wield in the service of others.  He has the ability to change things as well as the ability to help others.  He has the right to his emotions, but also the responsibility to experience consequences.  This is the foundation of an emotionally intelligent and compassionate soul.

If, however, the struggle for initiative is thwarted, a child may easily experience guilt in his life.  He may feel that he is worthless, doing things wrong, or not doing enough.  A child experiencing this guilt may withdraw for fear of doing something wrong or overcompensate and try to take command of everything.  The foundation of the child continues to be damaged when at every turn he's not allowed to touch things or talk to people in public or he's laughed at for not being able to competently do a task or he's corrected at every turn or he is allowed to do anything he wants without parental intervention or  he is told that his made up story is a "lie" or he is punished for crying or getting angry.

Children come into foster care with many cracks in their developmental foundation.  As each developmental stage builds upon another, guilt builds upon shame and shame builds upon mistrust.  Foster parents have the job of going back to re-examine the foundations, no matter what the child's age, and filling in the cracks.  Therefore a 10 year old might need to be held and rocked like a 1 year old, an 8 year old might need to yell and tell you "no", and a 14 year old might need to play pretend.  They need help filling in those cracks, building back trust and autonomy and initiative.

We all have cracks, that is part of being human.  And there is no shame in being a parent who has not built a strong foundation for their child.  We act out of our own brokenness and we don't know any better than what we have been taught ourselves.  Thankfully we have friends, family, teachers, foster parents and more to help us build where we aren't able, but that never replaces the role of a parent in the heart of a child.

The Childhood Affirmations Program, www.childhoodaffirmations.com, provides the following list of suggestions on concepts of how to encourage your 3-6 year old child.  Try your best to communicate that:

1) We enjoy having you explore who you are and finding out who other people are.
2) You can feel powerful and capable and still ask for help when you want it.
3) You can learn that behavior has consequences.
4) You can imagine things without being afraid they will come true.
5) We gladly give you our support and love.
6) All of your feelings are okay with us.

Build these affirmations in your child, no matter what the age.  Some of us adults still need them!