Pow-Pow- Power Wheels

Robert is a 5 year old boy who arose early before his parents.  Deciding he wanted to go visit his grandmother three miles down the road, Robert climbed into his little power wheel jeep and started the three mile trip down the 4 lane road.  A woman saw him out her window and called the police.  When the police pulled the little man over, Robert refused to provide any information except for his first name.  "I'm not supposed to talk to strangers," he curtly told the officer.  Luckily, mom had since woken up and realizing her little boy was gone, called 911.  The family was alerted to Robert's whereabouts and the precocious 5 year old was safely returned home.  True story.

This anecdote strikes many chords: funny and scary all at the same time.  However, there is an additional piece to the story.  The child already had behavior issues that had been permitted to slide due to parental guilt and, according to the mother, already had a fear of police.  So, beyond a jaded awareness of "stranger danger", why might Robert's unyielding to the police be cause for concern?

Our social structure works on a basic communal understanding of healthy limits, right and wrong, rewards and consequences.  The premise of functioning adequately is acknowledging and working within this understanding.  We want to encourage the uniqueness in each person, celebrate freedoms, and inspire creativity.  At the same time, we want each individual to be respectful, conscientious, and safe.  Freedom and respect hang in a tense balance that frames our lives.

Children who enter into foster care often experience mistrust of authority which is then transferred to healthy authority.  Children have experienced abuse and neglect at the very hands of those entrusted with their care.  At a very early age, they have learned that those in authority are not just or safe in their responsibility.  Luckily, children are smart and adaptable; they alter their behavior to protect themselves and get their needs met.  Unfortunately, this independence lacks the maturity and insight of an adult perspective, potentially leading to dangerous circumstances.  A child may not disclose information appearing "secretive", he may engage in drug use appearing "delinquent", she may make overt sexual provocations appearing "loose".  Adults may interpret this immature or troublesome behavior as rebellion or punishable behavior, but really the behavior is a finely tuned way for the child to get what they need (control, security, acceptance, attention).  Since children have learned not to depend on others to get their needs met, children take it into their own hands.

For foster parents, remember that a child's ability to get their needs met is a strength.  The child is creative, adaptable, and resourceful.  Be warned, the child will not quickly trust you, nor will they quickly stop using the methods that have thus far worked for them.  Inter-dependence is hard to learn after you've established that you are the only one you can trust.  

• The best thing you can do is be supportive and patient.  
• Be an example of appropriate behavior and narrate what you do, how you do it, and why you do it. 
• Ask open ended questions that help the child discover why he or she makes certain decisions.
• Help a child paint a picture of what he or she wants in life
• Demonstrate that you are on the child's team by advocating for what is in his or her best interest
• Establish rewards and consequences that communicate that an adult is taking charge and watching out for the child

Don't stop believing in the possibility of change.  The longest and hardest part of change is coming to the realization and conviction that one needs the change.  Notice and affirm the small successes- being caught with the drugs, but choosing not to use them is a success.  It means you are doing something right!  Foster parents are deconstructing well built walls one stone at a time.

I Walk the Line

Every child is unique and tests boundaries in different ways.  Some test boundaries subtly, slyly slipping their toe over "the line" when you're not looking; others test boundaries within the letter of the law, standing toe to toe with "the line" but never crossing it; still others test boundaries boldly, stomping over "the line" while you stand there and tell them not to do so.  My younger son, born with a brave conqueror's spirit, can do all three.  His name does not mean "spear of God" for nothing!

At two years old, I have already seen glimpses of him at 16: rolling his eyes, stomping away, and slamming his bedroom door.  I've witnessed his defiance and direct rebellion in the smallest of ways, and I am thankful that in direct alignment to this warrior's spirit is a compassionate heart.  This brute of a two year old is also the cuddliest snuggler, the hugger and kisser, the one who gently rubs his parents awake in the morning.  I also take heart that my two year old is doing exactly what he's supposed to do and he trusts me enough to do it.

Between 18 months and 3 years of age children are finding their autonomy and establishing themselves as separate beings from their parents and siblings.  Now is the time for him to exert his will, his independence, his control.  It is also the time for him to find courage to be in the world, to speak his mind, to challenge what is put before him. He must express himself, but then he must learn self-control.  He must learn that there are consequences for his actions.  He must learn that there are limits to what he can and can't do, what is acceptable exertion of one's self and what is not acceptable.  The child must know that it is okay to say "no", but that saying "no" does not give him the right to hurt himself or others.

This time period is a trial for the parents, both those controlling and those lenient.  If you are too controlling you break the spirit, if you are too lenient you get run over.  Any way, you are exhausted.  Parenting takes time, attention, energy, and dedication.  For foster parents it can be even more difficult because you do not have the affection a parent is given and in most cases you don't see the little child.  You get a hurt and angry teenager on your doorstep, ready to prove they don't need you.  But somewhere in the middle is the balance between respecting the child's discovery of his own autonomy and teaching him healthy limits.

Without balance and respect, the child is confused.  His security in his independence is wavering.  He tests his boundaries in order to learn what is right and wrong, not because he knows what is right and wrong.  If he doesn't get a consistent answer he experiences shame instead of confidence.  He's unsure.  When he acts he doesn't know if he will be rebuked, praised, or ignored.  He becomes embarrassed or defiant.  A child who cannot be confident in his ability to express himself, feels shame when he is corrected, shame when he is singled out, shame when he is confronted.  He feels shame at the core of his identity because the message he receives is that he is not worth being corrected or not worth being paid attention.

As caregivers for children in foster care, our goal is to make children feel capable, lovable, responsible, and worthwhile.  This is our mantra.  Capable, lovable, responsible, and worthwhile.  We must go back.  We must teach the child that he is worth loving, that he is worth protecting, and that he is worth listening to.  We teach a child this by allowing him to express himself in safe ways, having conversations along the way, and drawing the line when someone's health and safety is threatened.  This self expression may show itself in clothes that you don't approve of or change in hair color or the word "no" (or much worse!) or rolling of eyes or not eating at meal times.  Don't be side tracked or thrown off the scent by focusing on the individual behaviors.  Don't get offended by behaviors that don't adhere to your values.  See them for what they are, a search for autonomy and self-worth, a testing of the limits, a journey out of shame.